Humor: April 2004 Archives
Forwarded by a friend from church:
I'm sure there are other demographics that need answers of their own... any ideas?
Question: How do you tell the difference between liberals, conservatives, and southerners?Try this. Pose the following question: You're walking down a deserted
street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, a dangerous
looking man with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with
you, screams obscenities, raises the knife, and charges. You are carrying
a Glock .40, and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he
reaches you and your family. What do you do?Liberal Answer:
Well, that's not enough information to answer the question!
Does the man look poor or oppressed?
Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?
Could we run away?
What does my wife think?
What about the kids?
Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand?
What does the law say about this situation?
Does the Glock have appropriate safety built into it?
Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children?
Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me?
Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me?
If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me?
Should I call 9-1-1?
Why is this street so deserted?
We need to raise taxes, have a paint and weed day and make this a happier, healthier street that would discourage such behavior.
This is all so confusing! I need to debate this with some friends for a few days and try to come to a consensus.Conservative Answer:
BANG!Southerner Answer:
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
click....(sounds of reloading).
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
click.
Daughter: "Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those the Winchester Silver Tips?"
EXCLUSIVE! MASTER OF NONE CAN NOW REVEAL THAT JOHN KERRY'S UPCOMING JOBS AD BREAKS NEW GROUND IN THE OUTSOURCING DEBATE!
SAID KERRY: "COMPANIES LIKE NIKE AND WALMART ARE EMPLOYING THOUSANDS OF CHILD LABORERS IN SWEAT-SHOPS ACROSS ASIA. THOSE JOBS RIGHTFULLY BELONG TO AMERICAN KIDS!"
CITING LOW CHILD-EMPLOYMENT IN THE UNITED STATES, KERRY SAID, "GEORGE BUSH'S RECESSION HAS DESTOYED THE JOB PROSPECTS FOR AMERICA'S CHILDREN. IT'S TIME FOR A REAL 'NO CHILD LEFT BEHIND' POLICY THAT PENALIZES THESE BENEDICT ARNOLD CORPORATIONS FOR SHIPPING OUR CHILDREN'S OPPORTUNITIES OVERSEAS!"
DESPITE STRONG MARCH JOB CREATION NUMBERS, KERRY BOASTS, "YOU AIN'T SEEN NOTHING YET! UNDER A KERRY PRESIDENCY I'LL CREATE TEN MILLION NEW JOBS FOR AMERICA'S POOREST DEMOGRAPHIC. IT'S ABOUT TIME SOMEONE THOUGHT ABOUT THE CHILDREN."
DEVELOPING . . .
