Humor: January 2004 Archives
I'm sorry to be the one to tell you, but civilization is officially over.
Everyone knows that the only reason men do anything is because they think it'll get them some attention from women (no one knows why women do anything). All of civilization is was built by men trying to get the best women to have sex with them. The advance of civilization was really just an incidental byproduct of the fact that sex generally involved eventually having kids, because for whatever reason the women threatened to quit having sex otherwise.
Get with the times, that's so 20th century!
For a while, liberated women seemed to be the up-and-coming social fashion -- they wanted to have sex, but you know, maybe the babies could wait a while. This was a new twist, but they still ended up having kids because that's just what happens. Thus, civilization endured for a while longer.
Now, women apparently don't even want to have sex, they just want our money. We always suspected this was the case, but in the past men bravely held out for sex before handing the money over. No more. Thanks to the internet -- and the total depravity of women -- I give you the imaginary girlfriend.
Some are hot, some are uh... otherwise, but who can really tell? That's the beauty of the internet! Both those listings could be for the same person (or company)! An entrepreneurial woman could have dozens of imaginary boyfriends.
And what does a man get for his $220.00?
This auction includes:Actually, this sounds like some real girlfriends I've uh, known of. Anyway, the point is that this is just the tip of the iceberg. We all saw how liberation spread, and it's only a matter of time before women catch on to this new relationship paradigm.- Me sending you a one page letter, scented with my favorite perfume, once a week. YOU get to choose the details of the letter! ie: Sexy, Hot, Kinky, Sweet and Innocent, etc etc..
- I will also be sending you a sweet card on Valentine's Day! Also scented with perfume!
- If you buy me now for the Buy It now price you will get six, 1 hour webcam sessions on Yahoo, with light cyber and mild 'flashing' ;) This is for Buy It Now ONLY!
- Talking on AIM every other night. This will most likely be discussed since schedules may clash. Plus you will get photos emailed to you.
- You will receive 6 voicemail messages from me. ;) You just need to let me know when to call. NO LIVE PHONE CHATS. You also get to decide the details you want me to say in these messages!
- A real photo to hold and show off.
- You choice of 2 sexy thongs or bras scented with my perfume.<3
Terms and Conditions
- This in NO WAY makes me your real girlfriend.
- After the 60 days all communications are broken, no more chatting, e-mails, letters or phone calls..etc, etc. In other words no we can't be friends after this. Sorry. <3
- After 60 days, IF the buyer wants another 30, 60, days ie: letters, chatting etc. Price can be discussed over e-mail. Just let me know! ;)
- The winning bidder must tell the specifics of the relationship: ie: how we met, where, etc.
- The 60 days begins when I receive payment, I will email you after the auction has ended.
Collect your things, because this crazy train called life is pulling into the last station.
(HT: BoingBoing.)
Broken Spirit
No one really understands how caucuses work, but the Allah Pundit gives us some insight. (Via my Candy Girl, who recommends you don't ask, just go.)
I got a "help me export money" scam email from a guy who claims to be in South Africa... yeah right! Everyone knows the ownerless bank accounts are in Nigeria, not South Africa!
It's really odd to me that so many of these scam emails have the same quirks. For example, is it really necessary to spell out monetary values?
On the 6th of June 1998 an American miner ran an account with us and his present balance is valued at US$38,500,000.00 (Thirty Eight Million, Five Hundred Thousand United States Dollars Only) in my Bank.Only? What? I can just imagine all the confused responses the scammers got before they started spelling out the numbers.
Scammers also tend to capitalize randomly (if the entire email isn't all-caps, that is). I understand that English may not be their first language, but even if they're just using capitals to draw attention to certain words it doesn't make sense.
Consequently, my Proposal is that I would like you to stand in as the next of kin of the deceased. This is simple; All we need is some of your Details so that an Attorney will prepare the necessary Documents and affidavits which would put you in place as the deceased next of kin. We shall also employ the services of an Accredited Attorney for the Drafting and notarisation of the WILL and to Obtain the necessary documents and letters of probate/administration in your favour for the transfer.Oh, you're using an Accredited Attorney to Draft a WILL -- in that case, sign me up.
Scammers are also eager to assure us that there's ABSOLUTELY NO RISK TO YOU.
There is no risk at all as the Paperwork for this transaction will be done by the Attorney and My position as a manager guarantees the successful execution of this Transaction.No venture involving an Attorney and a bank manager could possibly go wrong.
Anyway, I'm bored, so I responded. Posting scam emails and mildly-humorous responses seems to be the cool blog-thing to do, so count me in.
