Humor: July 2003 Archives
I sure hope someone is working on combining these two news stories:
1. A 2000-year-old jar of cream has been discovered in an archeological dig in London. The cream still shows prints from the fingers of a hypothetically beautiful Roman babe.
2. Canadian scientists have developed a new method for extracting DNA from fingerptints. Good work, Canada.
This probably won't get reported anywhere else, but I expect we're less a year away from the birth of the first Rome clone, as I'm going to call them. Soon we'll be able to clone some Visigoths too, and I'll name the eldest "Clonan the Barbarian".
Naturally we'll make them fight each other in our cloned Colosseum.
I've used my incredible mental powers to look into the near future, and Frank J's worst nightmare is about to come true.
I suggest you stock up on bananas.
Candace and Cypren have a couple of posts up about guns, and so as a public service I went and found an op-ed by Steven D. Levitt, Professor of Economics, University of Chicago, who writes that swimming pools are more dangerous than guns.
What's more dangerous: a swimming pool or a gun? When it comes to children, there is no comparison: a swimming pool is 100 times more deadly.We've got to stop the swimming pool industry, they don't even have a flimsy amendment to stand on! Studies have shown that swimming pool manufacturers specifically target the most vulnerable members of our society with their deadly product. How many precious little ones must be sacrificed on Poseidon's altar? Won't someone please think of the children?In 1997 alone (the last year for which data are available), 742 children under the age of 10 drowned in the United States last year alone. Approximately 550 of those drownings -- about 75 percent of the total -- occurred in residential swimming pools. According to the most recent statistics, there are about six million residential pools, meaning that one young child drowns annually for every 11,000 pools.
About 175 children under the age of 10 died in 1998 as a result of guns. About two-thirds of those deaths were homicides. There are an estimated 200 million guns in the United States. Doing the math, there is roughly one child killed by guns for every one million guns.
Thus, on average, if you both own a gun and have a swimming pool in the backyard, the swimming pool is about 100 times more likely to kill a child than the gun is.
Summer fun, or backyard killer?
Update:
Thanks for the link, Ankfray Ajay. I don't think this post will get as many hits as "No More Hot Teacher/Student Sex", but we'll wait and see.
Check out Wikipedia's list of Latin phrases, a bene placito! You're certain to find a Latin phrase to fit just about any situation:
-- Get a speeding ticket? Dura lex, sed lex! The law is harsh, but it is the law.
-- Honey, do you know where we are? Terra incognita! Unknown land!
-- Hey beautiful baby, how's it going? Noli me tangere. Touch me not.
-- Afraid of dogs? Cave canem. Beware of the dog.
-- Can't quit blogging even though it's 2am? Cacoethes scribendi. An insatiable urge to write.
And because I'm so generous, you'll each get to enjoy a random Latin phrase every time you visit Master of None during the daylight hours -- just look near the top of the page. (There are enough special treats for the night-owls already.)
The UC Regents have decided to prohibit faculty members from engaging in sexual or romantic relationships with their students. Naturally, every department has it's own take on the new policy.
The astronomy faculty says they may have trouble handling their telescopes without student assistance, possibly hindering the discovery and exploration of new black holes. The biologists shouldn't have any difficulty with their bacteria-ridden microscopes, however.
As always, the electrical engineers are worried about their short circuits. Computer scientists are worried that the pigeonhole principle will lead to crowding as the number of available holes declines, but they've always got tail-recursion to fall back on.
The paleontologists don't mind, since they tend to prefer old bones anyway. The physics department frets that it may have to stop assuming there's no friction when solving rigid body problems, but the chemists say they've got some fluid in their testtubes that might help.
The economists don't care, since they'll still end up paying. The historians say they've never noticed the issue, and the English department doesn't think it's very penetrating. The cunning linguists are still tongue-tied.
The Psychology department wants to put the students through more tightly controlled experiments before being bound by the new policy. Pediatrics obviously objects, as do the oral biologists.
Update:
Thanks for the link, Fred K. As I promised, you have exclusive linking rights to this post -- no one else is allowed to link to it. To you new visitors: most of what I write isn't humor, but check it out. And hey, leave a comment!
Thanks to Candace over at 5corners I have looked into the future and learned the manner in which my feeble life will be extinguished.
You will be sucked dry by a leech. I'd stay away from swimming holes and toilet bowls, and stick to good old cement and chamber pots.
Toilets, eh? Looks like I've already defeated my nemesis! Actually, I'm pretty relieved; there are worse ways to go. Like I could've been doomed to death by 100 leeches or something. That would totally suck.
Edward Gorey was a brilliant and psychic man, and he can reveal the horrible fate that awaits you as well... if you dare!
