Recently in Humor Category
Kurt Schlichter has a hilarious future-retrospective looking back at how Trump beat Hillary. The best parts are the made-up Trump quotes.
Hillary tried to compete using free media, but her condescending, bitter demeanor made her a ratings albatross. And Trump bored right in: "No one's watching her. Really, look at her. She's like a first wife. Nag, nag, nag. No, seriously, I love my first wife, and my second, but really, no one wants to hear Hillary's complaining. Can you imagine four years of this, of her in the White House nagging us for four years? Naggin' Hillary! And Crooked Hillary! Naggin', crooked Hillary! Sad!" That was in August. By then the polls were effectively tied. ...
Hillary finally agreed to a debate, and it was a disaster. She was prim, prepared, and utterly stiff while Trump was loose, limber, and lacerating. She called him sexist, and he went for the throat: "I love women, not like your husband did, which was very shameful and which you tolerated. And a lot of young people who weren't around then don't know about how you covered up when Bill behaved very badly to women but when they learn about it it's going to be very bad for you because you were very bad to the women. And everyone knows if you weren't a woman you wouldn't even be here. Sad!"
Later, in an exchange on global warming, Trump made one of the comments that was supposed to be a campaign-ender and instead it simply slid off him: "I don't know if there is global warming but I'll tell you I like the idea of global warming because when it's warmer beautiful women wear bikinis and we all enjoy that, but then some women who shouldn't might wear them too." He was staring at Hillary as he spoke the last clause.
Joe Biden loves community college professors and sleeps with one every night:
He profusely praised the educators and argued they're "the best kept secret in America."
"Jill is probably right," he added. "I think I'd have the same attitude...did I not sleep with a community college professor every night."
As the audience laughed, Biden interjected.
"Oh, the same one, the same one," he said, waving his hands in an attempt to clarify. "The same one."
His wife. Good stuff.
You know you're a good parent when Homer Simpson makes a Spaceballs reference and your daughter gets it.
The best part about this "build a secret compartment in you keyboard" post is the comment section, wherein people mock the idea of destroying your numpad just to hide some crap.
Lots of cameos by stars from the 80s.
Leno: As you may know, Thanksgiving began in 1621 when Pilgrims feasted with Indians and told them, "If you like your land, you can keep your land."
(HT: Andrew Malcolm.)
I know lots of people enjoy beer, and that's cool, but this video shows pretty much how I feel about the drink. There are a couple of downsides that aren't mentioned: the huge number of calories and the relatively high cost. Home brewing is a pretty awesome hobby though, I will admit.
Apparently the new iPhone 5S has a flawed inclinometer (which measures the tilt of the phone, like a carpenter's level). This cracked me up:
When you steal a smartphone make sure to tell it to stop uploading all your pictures to the internet or you will be mocked.
It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.
I'd tell you a UDP joke, but you may not get it.
A physicist, an engineer, and a statistician out hunting. The physicist calculates the trajectory using ballistic equations, but assumes no air resistance, so his shot falls 5 meters short. The engineer adds a fudge factor for air resistance, and his shot lands 5 meters long. The statistician yells "We got 'em!"
Jean-Paul Sartre is sitting at a French cafe, revising his draft of Being and Nothingness. He says to the waitress, "I'd like a cup of coffee, please, with no cream." The waitress replies, "I'm sorry, Monsieur, but we're out of cream. How about with no milk?"
Werner Heisenberg, Kurt Gödel, and Noam Chomsky walk into a bar. Heisenberg turns to the other two and says, "Clearly this is a joke, but how can we figure out if it's funny or not?" Gödel replies, "We can't know that because we're inside the joke." Chomsky says, "Of course it's funny. You're just telling it wrong."
Pavlov is sitting at a pub enjoying a pint, the phone rings and he jumps up shouting "oh no, I forgot to feed the dog!"
"I'm a linguist, so I like ambiguity more than most people."
Entropy isn't what it used to be.
There are only two hard things in Computer Science: cache invalidation, naming things, and off-by-one errors.
There are two types of people in the world: Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data sets.
There are two types of people in the world: Those who crave closure.
Two kittens on a sloped roof. Which one slides off first? The one with the lowest mew.
Did you hear about the man who got cooled to absolute zero? He's 0K now.
To understand what recursion is, you must first understand recursion.
The programmer's wife tells him: "Run to the store and pick up a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen." The programmer comes home with 12 loaves of bread.
A recent finding by statisticians shows the average human has one breast and one testicle.
What if, instead of periods, women had apostrophes? They'd be more possessive and have more frequent contractions.
A German walks into Passport Control at Paris airport. "Nationality?" asks the immigration officer. "German," she replies. "Occupation?" "No, just here for a few days."
They used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a comedian. Well they're not laughing now!
Q: What do you get when you put root beer in a square glass? A: Beer
This sentence contains exactly threee erors.
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar.
The bar tender: "What'll it be, boys?"
The first mathematician: "I'll have one half of a beer."
The second mathematician: "I'll have one quarter of a beer."
The third mathematician: "I'll have one eight of a beer."
The forth mathematician: "I'll have one sixteenth of a ..."
The bartender interrupts and says "Know your limits, boys" as he pours our a single beer.
Why do engineers confuse Halloween and Christmas? Because Oct 31 = Dec 25.
Three logicians walk into a bar. The bartender asks "Do all of you want a drink?"
The first logician says "I don't know."
The second logician says "I don't know."
The third logician says "Yes!"
If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.
"We don't serve faster-than-light particles here", says the barman. A tachyon enters a bar.
A mathematician finishes a large meal and says: √(-1/64)
A Buddhist monk approaches a hotdog stand and says "make me one with everything".
A man in a hot air balloon realised he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted,
"Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."
The woman below replied,
"You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."
"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.
"I am," replied the woman, "How did you know?"
"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip."
The woman below responded, "You must be in Management."
"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."
Here's some of the history behind the Nigerian Prince email scam. Of course, there's nothing new under the sun.
CONAN: So you would not be surprised if evidence turned up of some ancient letter, back to the Roman days: We escaped with some Gaulish treasure before Caesar crush us, and we just need a little help.
BRUNTON: Yes, absolutely. I mean, honestly, at this point I would not be surprised to find like cave paintings.
BRUNTON: You know, like, we have a lot of extra obsidian, but we had to leave it in a cave and...
Don't forget about the Nigerian scammer who was scammed in return and tricked into writing out by hand 293 pages of Harry Potter as part of a "research project".
Via John Avlon who uses the neologism to describe the collection of scandals enveloping Barack Obama: scandalabra.
The latest non-Watergate to be labelled its second coming is actually a combination of three separate scandals afflicting the Barack Obama administration.
The collective weight of this scandalabra threatens to derail the president's ambitious legislative agenda, dragging him to premature lame duck status. But it doesn't represent outright criminality emanating from the Oval Office or promise to provoke a constitutional crisis, however fervently Obama's critics might wish it.
Remember the days when comedians struggled to find ways to mock President Obama? Well fortunately we're past that now and there are plenty of hilarious photoshops of Obama with his shotgun.