Kurt Schlichter has a hilarious future-retrospective looking back at how Trump beat Hillary. The best parts are the made-up Trump quotes.

Hillary tried to compete using free media, but her condescending, bitter demeanor made her a ratings albatross. And Trump bored right in: "No one's watching her. Really, look at her. She's like a first wife. Nag, nag, nag. No, seriously, I love my first wife, and my second, but really, no one wants to hear Hillary's complaining. Can you imagine four years of this, of her in the White House nagging us for four years? Naggin' Hillary! And Crooked Hillary! Naggin', crooked Hillary! Sad!" That was in August. By then the polls were effectively tied. ...

Hillary finally agreed to a debate, and it was a disaster. She was prim, prepared, and utterly stiff while Trump was loose, limber, and lacerating. She called him sexist, and he went for the throat: "I love women, not like your husband did, which was very shameful and which you tolerated. And a lot of young people who weren't around then don't know about how you covered up when Bill behaved very badly to women but when they learn about it it's going to be very bad for you because you were very bad to the women. And everyone knows if you weren't a woman you wouldn't even be here. Sad!"

Later, in an exchange on global warming, Trump made one of the comments that was supposed to be a campaign-ender and instead it simply slid off him: "I don't know if there is global warming but I'll tell you I like the idea of global warming because when it's warmer beautiful women wear bikinis and we all enjoy that, but then some women who shouldn't might wear them too." He was staring at Hillary as he spoke the last clause.

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