It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.
I'd tell you a UDP joke, but you may not get it.
A physicist, an engineer, and a statistician out hunting. The physicist calculates the trajectory using ballistic equations, but assumes no air resistance, so his shot falls 5 meters short. The engineer adds a fudge factor for air resistance, and his shot lands 5 meters long. The statistician yells "We got 'em!"
Jean-Paul Sartre is sitting at a French cafe, revising his draft of Being and Nothingness. He says to the waitress, "I'd like a cup of coffee, please, with no cream." The waitress replies, "I'm sorry, Monsieur, but we're out of cream. How about with no milk?"
Werner Heisenberg, Kurt Gödel, and Noam Chomsky walk into a bar. Heisenberg turns to the other two and says, "Clearly this is a joke, but how can we figure out if it's funny or not?" Gödel replies, "We can't know that because we're inside the joke." Chomsky says, "Of course it's funny. You're just telling it wrong."
Pavlov is sitting at a pub enjoying a pint, the phone rings and he jumps up shouting "oh no, I forgot to feed the dog!"
"I'm a linguist, so I like ambiguity more than most people."
Entropy isn't what it used to be.
There are only two hard things in Computer Science: cache invalidation, naming things, and off-by-one errors.
There are two types of people in the world: Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data sets.
There are two types of people in the world: Those who crave closure.
Two kittens on a sloped roof. Which one slides off first? The one with the lowest mew.
Did you hear about the man who got cooled to absolute zero? He's 0K now.
To understand what recursion is, you must first understand recursion.
The programmer's wife tells him: "Run to the store and pick up a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen." The programmer comes home with 12 loaves of bread.
A recent finding by statisticians shows the average human has one breast and one testicle.
What if, instead of periods, women had apostrophes? They'd be more possessive and have more frequent contractions.
A German walks into Passport Control at Paris airport. "Nationality?" asks the immigration officer. "German," she replies. "Occupation?" "No, just here for a few days."
They used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a comedian. Well they're not laughing now!
Q: What do you get when you put root beer in a square glass? A: Beer
This sentence contains exactly threee erors.
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar.
The bar tender: "What'll it be, boys?"
The first mathematician: "I'll have one half of a beer."
The second mathematician: "I'll have one quarter of a beer."
The third mathematician: "I'll have one eight of a beer."
The forth mathematician: "I'll have one sixteenth of a ..."
The bartender interrupts and says "Know your limits, boys" as he pours our a single beer.
Why do engineers confuse Halloween and Christmas? Because Oct 31 = Dec 25.
Three logicians walk into a bar. The bartender asks "Do all of you want a drink?"
The first logician says "I don't know."
The second logician says "I don't know."
The third logician says "Yes!"
If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.
"We don't serve faster-than-light particles here", says the barman. A tachyon enters a bar.
A mathematician finishes a large meal and says: √(-1/64)
A Buddhist monk approaches a hotdog stand and says "make me one with everything".
A man in a hot air balloon realised he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted,
"Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."
The woman below replied,
"You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."
"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.
"I am," replied the woman, "How did you know?"
"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip."
The woman below responded, "You must be in Management."
"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."