No offense to Winter Olympic athletes, but your events are boring. I'm not a big Olympics fan in general, considering that the host country generally wastes a lot more tax dollars than the event is worth, but at least the Summer Olympics has interesting sports like swimming, shooting, lifting, fighting, and so forth. Sure, it's got about 897 different kinds of running, but most of the sports are at least a little different from each other.

On the other hand, the Winter Olympics has two sports: moving around on snow, and moving around on ice. Newsflash: snow and ice are the same thing. Let's take a look at the events involved in the 2006 Winter Olympics: Alpine skiing, Biathlon, Bobsled, Cross country skiing, Curling, Figure skating, Freestyle skiing, Ice hockey, Luge, Nordic combined, Short track speed skating, Skeleton, Ski jumping, Snowboarding, Speed skating. Here's a handy equation to help you keep track:

Winter Olympics = (skiing * 7) + (skating * 5) + (sliding * 3)

The only Winter Olympic sport worth beans is the Biathlon because of this other well-known mathematical law:

∀x, guns + x = awesome

I've got some ideas for new Winter Olympic sports that would bring the event back to its roots in Ancient Greece and also help improve the ratings:

  • Polar bear fighting
  • Whale riding
  • Penguin relay
  • Ice floe sailing
  • Snow man army
  • Write your name in the snow
  • Frostbite challenge
  • Synchronized Swimming

If you ever hope to beat the pathetic losers on American Idol then you'll have to change things up, get rid of all the skis and skates, and have some real winter fun! I suppose the Snowboard Cross is a good start, but don't forget to add guns!

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