Yesterday my pastor mentioned an experiment by a psychologist named Walter Mitchell, as described by Daniel Goleman in his book Emotional Intelligence, in which a group of four-year-olds are set in a room around a table and each one is given a marshmallow. The experimenter tells the children that they can each eat their marshmallow once he leaves the room, but if they wait till he gets back then he'll give a second marshmallow to those who waited. As described on this page about emotional intelligence:
After fourteen years, the psychologists tracked the children and tested them. The differences were dramatic. Those who resisted temptation were more confident and motivated and better able to cope with the frustrations of life. In addition, their academic results suggested that the ability to delay gratification contributes powerfully to intellectual potential.
Self-control is the key to much success and happiness in life, and one of the keys to self-control is learning to take pleasure in making good choices. A person may not think that vegetables taste good, but there's more to eating than just the pleasure of tasting food; the way we eat will have long term consequences on our health and happiness that we can't forsee in the present. However, if we condition ourselves to take pride in making good choices, we can trick ourselves into enjoying vegetables because we're doing what's right.
The same strategy works for coercing ourselves to do all sorts of things we don't want to do. We use our minds to create purely mental rewards for behaviors that don't have immediately tangible benefits. Abstaining from sex may not feel like a fun thing to do at certain times, but if we invest ourselves in a moral code that values chastity then we can take righteous pleasure in denying our carnal lusts. We tell ourselves that there will be negative consequences in the future if we indulge ourselves now -- and that is often true -- and we encourage ourselves to enjoy the prospect of avoiding those future hurts. But the immediate reward is entirely within our heads.
I agree totally with the basic premise, but it really cuts both ways. Many folks are way too self-controlled, have a hard time making decisions, and tend to worry about decision making and the decisions already made. These types also express less passion and have a harder time being spontaneous.
We need both kinds in this world. The wild and crazy, impetuous ones to draw out the reserved and stuffy. The conservative types to reign in those who might jump when it would be wiser to wait.
We tell ourselves that there will be negative consequences in the future if we indulge ourselves now
And those negative consequences would be...?
RK: I disagree, I don't think there's such a thing as being too self-controlled. One can be self-controlled and also make very poor choices, or one can be self-controlled and purposefully decide to be "wild and crazy" at times. Some people have no self-control and just luckily make good choices, or have them made for them.
WSK: The negative consequences depend on the behavior. If one has no self-control when it comes to food, one will eventually get fat.
Self control assumes lack of spontaneity. I don't those who are balanced in this regard to who are very self-controlled can will themselves to be spontaneous.
Also consider that this is one area of life where the feedback loop is pretty active. If I'm generally self controlled and act in a spontaneous way to my detriment, it will likely cause me to become even less open to less controlled situations or responses. If, on the other hand, there is a good result, it might open result in more freedom to make mistakes in the future.
What I really want to know is how do you help develop this in your children? Some children seem to be selfish and unable to delay gratification, no matter how many times the parent either makes the decision for them and points out the benefit, or lets the child make the decision/mistake, and points out the down side.