Jonathan Witt has a nifty new blog called Witting Shire, and here's a post that echos some of my own thoughts on raising children.
The shift away from the passion of amateur parenting, toward the cold impersonality of professional parenting, is disheartening enough; but to see parents and pundits alike studiously investing the television set with parental authority is chilling. Certainly, television has been the de facto authority in many children’s lives for a long time now; but for parents to embrace and encourage this unnatural “relationship” is a new low.
It's important for kids to know and rely upon the fact that their parents are the ultimate earthly authorities in their lives -- not teachers, not the police, not the government, not television, nothing except God himself. These days many parents abdicate authority by refusing to make decisions and by then refusing to back up the few decisions they do make. They negotiate with their kids and implicitly give the kids power and influence by their own laziness. Kids become more afraid of what their friends will think and do than of what their parents will think and do.
When I was in third grade I had a friend named Jake who would tease me by grabbing my hat and running around with it. I complained to the teachers and they scolded him a few times, but when I told them that I wanted them to prevent him from stealing my hat again rather than just respond weakly each time, they said there wasn't anything they could do. I told my dad about the situation that night and he taught me where the solar plexus is and told me to punch Jake next time he stole my hat. Which I did.
The teachers were furious of course, but I told them that I shouldn't have had to do their job for them. (Which didn't soothe their anger, for some reason.) The school called in my parents from work and told them what happened. "Michael punched Jake!" they said, and I'll never forget my dad's response. "I know, I told him to. Good job," he said, and patted me on the shoulder.
This, again, didn't assuage the anger of teachers or the principal, but it lifted my spirits enormously and imbued in me a profound respect for my dad. I knew he'd stand by me and support me when I did the right thing, and I knew that as long as I did what he said everything else would be alright. I trusted him, and when he later instructed me on other matters I took his advice seriously and obeyed his (few) commands with confidence.
I don't have any kids yet, but from observation it seems that it's rather hard to be a good parent. It's not difficult to know what morals your kids should be learning, but it appears to be a real challenge to actually muster up the energy and love it takes to do the rearing. Everyone knows their kids should learn not to steal, but it takes attention and discipline to notice and correct a child when he does it. That's why children of two-parent families have such an advantage: it's not just the extra money (if any), it's the extra parental availability and energy.
(HT: Bill Hobbs for the pointer to Mr. Witt.)
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I agree 100% on the "it's not just the extra money (if any)" thought. In fact, our family has LESS money than many because my wife doesn't work.
I know not everyone will agree with our way of doing things, but it works for us and I truly believe it's giving our kids an advantage that many will never have.
For many folks, of course, the stay-at-home mom (or dad) scenario is impossible, but I also believe that many who think it's impossible are wrong. They'd be surprised at how much extra "stuff" you can do without if you realize it's not as important as you think it is, and they'd be surprised at how much their kids would benefit.
I agree with Murdoc. It's been really difficult for us financially for me to not teach this year, but for my children it's been the best thing I ever did. They still fight each other like cats and dogs, but Sonshine no longer throws ten-minute kicking and screaming tantrums. He's calmed down considerably since he now knows that he's important in the family. I'd rather negotiate with the bill collector than look my Sonshine in the eye and tell him he's not important.
The hardest thing about being a parent is allowing your kids to make mistakes. You watch them shiver in the cold or send them barefoot to school because they decided not to put on their jackets or shoes before going outside. As the stakes get bigger and their choices more significant, it only gets more painful. Some kids "get it"-- they learn early on that when Mom or Dad says you should do it this way, there's probably a very good reason-- but I don't have any kids like that, all mine seem to be determined to learn at the School of Hard Knocks. It's easy by comparison to help them learn from their mistakes afterward, but to allow them to make mistakes is the hardest part.