I've never really felt ugly before, but I do today. I've always known that I'm not particularly attractive, and it's never bothered me very much. When it started to, I lost a bunch of weight and started exercising and working out. I suppose I look a lot better than I ever have before, but apparently it's still not good enough.
And I've always known that, but I'd never really noticed it mattering. I suppose that's because in the cases where it does matter it's normally because of something that doesn't happen: someone doesn't talk to me, for example. It's hard to notice every time someone isn't attracted to me because they don't like they way I look.
But now -- faced with a circumstance in which my appearance has definitely played a detrimental role -- I'm somewhat... discombobulated(?). I've been informed by reliable sources that, contrary to my previous belief, if someone isn't attracted to you right off the bat then they probably never will be. That's unfortunate, because I don't have a lot going for me if you just see me from across a crowded room. I mean, I'm neat and clean and I dress decently, but those are minor details.
Once filed into the "Eh" category, I take it there's no escape. Unlike the movies where the guy is able to win the girl over through kindness, generosity, humor, honesty, and the enthusiastic use of semi-colons, in real life those things are mere bonuses to be tacked on to the handsome appearance that generates the initial attraction.
Michael, I don't disagree with you too often, but on this I think you're wrong.
My wife may not reflect mainstream thinking, but I've got it on pretty good knowledge from her that if anyone looks at "looks" first, its us guys.
Chin up, bro.
JP: "Michael, I don't disagree with you too often"
Understatement of the year.
MW: It's been my experience that looks attract and personality keeps. Obviously that doesn't apply to everyone, but more often than not it seems to work out that way. And don't let Jim fool you... girls do it too. I know many girls who look at the face and "the package" first and the personality only as an afterthought.
I dunno... a couple of your pictures aren't so flattering... but in the one with the protest sign, I thought you looked pretty hot, to be honest with you.
My boyfriend, Jeffrey, is someone who's looks were nice... not incredibly hot... but what has kept me with him for so long is his personality and all of the things about him that don't have anything to do with his looks.
turn the tables.. are you considering girls you find physically attractive? are you attracted to girls by their personalities alone? are there any you have filed into the "eh" category and not talked to because of it?
when all else fails, brood. it's a fact. brood in a corner and the women will come flocking.
Mark: Feeling a little combative, are we? :-)
Mark: Hm, so which pictures should I take down?
JP: Nah.
MW: On your "About Michael Williams" entry, I'd remove the bottom two pictures.
We all thought you were hot stuff at Cato-U.
The number of plain old ugly men who can and do land absolutely drop dead gorgeous women is far too high a number to be mere coincidence. What you have, you have, unless you've been heavily photoshopping all your pictures, you're well above the necessary minimum to land a babe.
Your major problem seems to be a mismatch between your standards and your confidence. Your confidence level isn't letting you get women above the level your standards will let you go for.
Here's an illustrative example: imagine walking into a bar and ask women, one after another if they will sleep with you. Don't discriminate, just work your way through the place from the door to the back. I'm told you'll almost never get past 50 questions before you get an affirmative reply (and yes, there are people who do this in reality).
Once you've established that, if you want, you can get laid any time, the question becomes a matter of your personal standards and whether a particular woman is good enough for you. Once you're judging them instead of being judged, your attractiveness goes up, a lot.
My husband in high school was stick-skinny, wore coke-bottle glasses and had a haircut that looked like a thatched roof. He kept on asking me out until he wore me down (at one point I actually told him I couldn't go out because I had to wash my hair!) He only had one thing going for him attraction-wise, and that was that his butt looked really nice, but only when he was wearing his JROTC uniform. After I turned 16, I finally did go out with him out of pity.
The rest, as they say, is history. We had our 11th anniversary and our 3rd child this summer. He's so sexy I can't keep my hands off of him.
And BTW, he looks quite a bit better now that I've bought him some better shirts, convinced him to cut his hair shorter, and gotten his waist size up a few notches through my fabulous cooking.
If your conclusion was true, then I wouldn't have been able to get married - and I just celebrated my 10th anniversary this year. My own success came from luck; I pretty much used up all positive karma in my account until the day I die.
For you, though - I suspect that you're looking in the wrong population. Figure out where a woman with your ideal personality would be, and then go there. And then once you've made a female friend from that population that refuses to consider you romantically, enlist her aid. Matchmaking seems to be almost as good as a personal relationship for lots of women.
Huh. This critical self-absorbtion you've got going seems uncharacteristic of your rock-solid Republican political leanings, Michael. As I noted just today on my weblog, critical self-analysis and the holding of one's self to higher standards is much more a Democratic trait than a Republican one. Republicans are more about kicking butt and taking names. Hand-wringing over whether you're pretty enough just seems much more Democratic, somehow.
Could it be? Is it possible that the source of all this tortured self-doubt is that actually, deep down in your heart of hearts, you know that the awful truth about yourself is that... you're a _Democrat_?
Stop living a lie, Michael. Come out of the closet and taste the sweet breath of freedom! Be who you were truly _meant_ to be!
Chicks dig liberals, by the way.
Michael:
I couldn't disagree with you more on this one. Any girl who says she isn't attracted to your looks is really telling you that she isn't attracted to your personality. Personality is key, my friend. Plus, I think you're good-looking...when you're not complaining about being single. :)
Michael,
I'm hetero, so my precision is up to question, but you look fine. I just looked at your photos for the first time. I imagined what you would look like with a devil-may-care smile. You have plenty going for you, in terms of looks, common sense, sense of humor, intelligence, income-producing skills... Pray to have a positive attitude. You'll be happily married w/ kids some day, I have no doubt about it. I was in your shoes once myself.
Daniel Day
Mark: Thanks. Hm, I was told the last picture was pretty good though.
Jay: I think maybe that's because I'm an entertaining arguer? :)
TML: The truth is, I'm not attracted to very many women. The problem is that when I am they're rarely into me. I'm not sure why... maybe it is because they smell fear or something, or maybe it's because I make an idiot out of myself. I do have pretty particular standards (I won't say "high" exactly, because they're different than what many guys like). Part of the problem may be that since I meet so few women I like, when I do meet one I get too infatuated.
WH: So, after you went on one date with him your perspective on him entirely changed? Or did it change before the date? Or sometime after?
MB: I think I'm looking in the right places. I don't pick up girls at bars or clubs or anything, I'm sure I wouldn't meet anyone I wanted in those types of places. Mostly I try to meet girls through church and through friends, as you suggest.
JC: Hm, hand-wringing? Maybe you're right, that's what it is I suppose. Like I said, I'd never really worried over whether I was "pretty enough" as you say... hopefully it'll pass. However, if someone were constantly tortured by feelings of doubt and insecurity I can see why they'd become a Democrat :)
Megan: But I'm always complaining about being single. Well, not exactly, but that's basically the only complaint I've got, so when I need to complain that's where I go. Besides, what are else are blogs for? Look how much pity and sympathy I'm getting -- this rules!
DD: I know, I do need a more positive attitude. I'm not sure if that means I have to harden my heart a little so I don't get disappointed so easily or not. I like being emotionally engaged, I don't want to be aloof and distant. I suppose I can just smile all the time and pretend like I don't care, which is largely what I do in life, but I do complain a lot here, I suppose.
One more for the good guys. My taste is for dark haired, tall and slim, blue eyed, clean shaven brooders. My husband is a light haired, thick (not fat), 6 foot (not 'tall'), goatee' wearin', happy-go-lucky guy. I wasn't attracted to him until we were already good friends. God brought us together. So, it's not up to you. But I do like your approach to it with matchmaking and church. I met my guy at work.
It's absolutely and total hogwash about initial attraction being someone's only chance. I dub your reliable sources "shallow."
I think everyone has days where we feel just either completely unstoppable and that everyone surely MUST notice how great we are/look and then days that are quite the opposite.
Sounds just like you're just at a low point. If you're taking care of yourself, (sounds like it), it's about all you can do. Very few people are "wowzers" across a crowded room. You could dye your hair green if you want more second looks, but I somehow don't think that'd help.
If I were to guess, I'd say whatever issues you're having have little to do with how you look. You're highly opinionated, which, on the positive, means you know yourself and how you think and why. That's going to send weak women running the other direction. If you find someone with similar morals, though, and she's got a strong personality - strong enough that she's not secondary to you - it'll all likely be fine.
hln
My theory: Women aren't attracted to men who think too hard about how to get women.
It's basic evolutionary biology. Men's necessary participation in reproduction is relatively short-term, and so are the factors they instinctually look for: genetic quality and health for a successful pregnancy.
Women must consider a much longer period of time in choosing a mate, because the production of a single child takes them several years. Women consider genetic quality just as men do. They consider health, though for somewhat different reasons. But they also consider two long-term factors: 1) Will he stay? Does he have the kind of emotional makeup that will lead him to stick around for the many years of childrearing ahead? 2) If he stays, will he be effective in helping me raise my child?
Bringing our stone-age genes into the twenty-first century, young women want a young man who looks like he'll be loyal and a future success. Different women define success differently: some go for money, others popularity or prestige, others personal integrity. And they place different weights on "Will he stay?" versus "Will he be able to provide if he stays?"
I remember a TV show years ago that included young women talking about how they evaluated men. They all agreed on the absolute worst thing they could hear from their date: "I don't have a job right now."
So quit worrying about whether you look good enough, or whether your comments in the first conversation are witty enough. You're imagining that women evaluate you the way men evaluate women. They don't. Present the image of a young man firmly on his way to becoming a successful older man. (The loyalty part I think you already have naturally, so don't worry about it.)
Mostly talk about her, of course. That's basic Dale Carnegie. (If you haven't yet read How to Win Friends, do so immediately.) But when the time comes to talk about yourself, talk about your plans, you dreams, where you're headed, and what you're going to accomplish. That's what they want to hear.
LT: You bring up a good point -- something I always need to remind myself of -- that it's up to God, not me. If it were only up to me I could easily do what Mike Burris mentioned and find someone.
hln: But aren't people shallow? I dunno. I see what you're saying though. I was at a low point, but I'm feeling a lot better now. Looking back, it always seems silly to feel so bad.
BB: Yeah, it's a good theory, and I think it's true. Which is probably why the only girls who are interested in me are ones I don't want.... I've considered all the factors you mention, and I was pretty confident in their correctness as well, but now I'm not so sure. The other factor is that I'm living in Los Angeles, and everyone here is incredibly shallow, so you've gotta take that into consideration.
I am loyal, and I'm a great listener. I learned on my own long ago how to listen to people and ask questions about them and to be interested in their lives and history. I also know how to casually work my own positives into conversation and that sort of thing. Eh, who knows. I just ordered DC's book from B&N on your recommendation, because lots of people have mentioned it over the years, so I may as well check it out.
I generally have no problem making friends and influencing people... just girls I like. Which is odd, because I don't remember being so silly when I was younger.
Michael,
If you'd work on your smile a little bit, you'd be just fine. I'm glad you take life and issues seriously, but some of your photos make you look like you need to lighten up a little.
Oh dear God in Heaven above.
I'm not a friend, just a semi-casual reader, so feel free to blow me off.
John Ross has a couple of posts that are relevant to your situation (http://www.john-ross.net/ross_in_range.htm).
Good luck with everything.