So President Bush is creating the position of National Intelligence Czar; I think I'm the perfect candidate, and I want your vote. I even know what you're thinking right now: Why would Michael Williams make a good iCzar? Let me explain.
First of all, I'm extremely intelligent. For example, you may not know who the smartest person in America is, but I do -- and it's me. That you didn't know demonstrates the usefulness of my secret sources of inside information that aren't available to the general public. I could prove my superlative intelligence to you statistically, but I'm not the kind of iCzar who's going to waste your time with boring stuff like that.
Secondly, I'm a white male, which means I'll be able to work well with most of the other people in government. I'm sure that other races and genders could perform equally well in such an important position, but white males have been at this kind of thing for a long time -- and do you really want to take a risk on some other ethnogender combination? Anyone familiar with Benson or Diff'rent Strokes knows what can happen when ethnicity and politics collide, and as iCzar those types of hilarious misunderstandings are exactly what I hope to prevent -- because they cause grave losses. I admit that being an extremely attractive woman might be more advantageous than being a white male, but I assure you that if elected I fully intend to surround myself with vast quantities of beautiful and deadly women, whose almost only goals will be to make the world a safer, less terroristic, and sexier place for myself, and by extension for the rest of America.
Thirdly, I hope to bridge the generation gap between our current crop of politicians and the terrorists they hope to thwart. I'm young and "hip", and I can get inside the terrorists' heads by mingling unnoticed in the upper-class urban culture from which the terrorists draw most of their American and European support. The young and rich of the west won't cozy up to an old guy in a blue suit with a red or blue tie, but I hardly ever wear suits. I'll move the intelligence headquarters of America to Los Angeles where I can keep a close eye on domestic terrorist threats, while providing a continuity-of-government option in the unfortunate event that the east coast is completely vaporized. Which won't happen on my watch, that's for sure.
I know you're wondering: What's in it for me (you)? Well there are several policies I'd implement during my first 100 days in office that would increase your safety and the safety of your family by an immediate 145%, in addition to potentially doubling the value of the stock market.
First, I'd eliminate the color-coded terror warnings; only two of the colors are ever used anyway, yellow and orange. Instead, I'd follow of the model of meteorologists and create a 10-Day Terror Forecast specially tailored for each city in the country. Governments, corporations, and families could then plan their activities around the projected level of terror more than a week in advance, and we wouldn't be surprised again like we were on 9/11, which was entirely unacceptable.
Second, as iCzar I'd be completely open with the American public and gladly pass along every potential terrorist threat we hear about. Rather than sorting through tens of thousands of documents in hundreds of foreign languages and codes myself, I'll focus on posting all that information directly to the internet, following the Open Source software development paradigm. In combination with the 10DTF, this terror database will allow each individual American to evaluate his or her own daily threat level and to arm him- or herself accordingly
Third, I will engender a spirit of camaraderie and good humor within the intelligence community. By hosting ice-breakers and casual get-togethers for members of the various intelligence services and their sources and informants, I will help break down the walls that presently hinder information sharing between agencies. I will serve cake and punch, and every guest will be given an opportunity to share their thoughts and feelings on each potential terrorist scenario -- and hopefully get to know theirself a little bit better in the process.
Fourth, as iCzar I will guarantee that there will never be another terrorist attack on American soil, people, interests, property, ideals, or dreams as long as I'm in office. If such an attack does occur, I'll be happy to accept responsibility and/or pass the responsibility on to someone else, at the President's direction. Because I'm young, it's not like my whole life or career will be wrapped up in this one job, so I won't have a problem admitting if I make a mistake. Even if we are attacked, "National Intelligence Czar" will still look good on my resume and I'm sure I'll be able to write a book or something.
So, my friends and fellow anti-terror-ites, if you love America and hate it when Americans are blown up by foreigners, I urge you to vote for Michael Williams for National Intelligence Czar: the only candidate who's willing and able to permanently solve the intelligence crisis facing our terrorized nation. It's for the children. Thank you. God bless America.
Update:
Apparently Frank J. is after the job too, but I don't think he's up to the challenge.
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