Family Life

Hi, I was just reading your blog and I think it has good potential. Would it be possible to blog roll me or add a link to my site please? My url is http://chiraag88.blogspot.com

Michael,

The biggest earthly blessings I enjoy are my wife and four kids. I cannot imagine life without them - it bothers me a lot that people complain about their families.

Sad. . .

I love being married and my kids. It is limiting and being single has its advantages.

You can up and decide to go out of town or out on the town on a moments notice and do so. You don't have to worry about finding a sitter or what to do with the kids.

Decisions about where to work or live are just about you.

On the other hand having a family means you aren't alone. There is always someone to talk to.

Don't like dogs? DON'T LIKE DOGS???!!!!!

Trust me, they're a lot more submissive than women.

X: Ew.

That's a classic post. Vintage.

I guess I am in the same shoes as you. On one hand, I would potentially like to meet a great girl and fall in love and give the whole family thing a shot. That's dependent on meeting that great girl, though.

Then on the other hand I hear and see all of these marriages and stories from married couples who feel like they have made a mistake and given up their freedom.

My dad goes both ways. Him and my mom are thinking of breaking up now, but he wants to stick it out because he thinks they still love each other and they are christian. But I always hear him (or have heard him in the past) talking about how much he loved his single days, and how much he should have stayed single longer. .. how much he regrets doing what he did and falling in love at age 21. How old are you anyways, Michael?

Man Mike, I can so relate. I don't like pets either. But I think X has a point. Think about all the things you can say to your dog that you couldn't say to your wife:

Fetch!
Beg!
Stop humping my leg!

JG: I'm 26.

NAG: Oh, now I understand what he meant.

Marriage is about compromise. Children about sacrifice. If you're are willing to do either, then these things aren't for you.

I also think there is a "grass is always greener" as well as a romanticism about being single for people who are married awhile. They see only the bad side of their current situation, ignore the good, and see only the good side of being single without remembering or knowing the downsides.

Ew? Nah. Here's something to ew about. I don't think that's what your friends had in mind when they recommended getting a dog instead of a wife, though. At least, I hope not.

Re Xrlq's newspaper link: (1) Holy smokes, that's me (6'4", 200lb, close enough, and live close to a village called Geneva), except that I don't have blue eyes and I haven't molested any dogs lately. (2) Holy smokes, how tough do you have to be to sexually molest a pit bull mix?

Michael, having a family is great and very rewarding. It's worth the restrictions on your personal freedom.

BUT: Present-day United States policy makes it difficult to be a husband and father. Or not "difficult" so much as "powerless". The law as usually interpreted puts the wife in charge of the relationship and the children, and to a large extent the money. American women know it, and are statistically more inclined to leave the husband, knowing the children, the house, and much of the husband's money will stay with her.

My solution, having learned this the hard way, is to marry a woman who was not raised in the US. Fred Reed (http://www.fredoneverything.net/) covers this in one of his columns. (From Reed's front page, click "Fred Columns", then #204 from the list on the left.)

You recently posted "Money and Sex".

Everyone's experience is different, of course, but in my own experience, men merely want sex until their biological clock starts ticking, and then they do want love. And so it is disconcerting to settle down, commit yourself to a woman, to making her happy...and then you discover she cold-bloodedly chose you because you have a good job and good prospects in order to take care of her and ensure a good future for "her" kids (even if you are the father, they will always be HER kids to her).
Like I said, everyone is different. Bill and Ron seem to have found women who love them, and so their attitude might be different. From my observation of people, it's fairly rare.
Studies have shown that a woman's satisfaction in a marriage plummets after having kids, and usually never again regains the pre-kids level. The average woman simply stops caring much about her husband.
I have several friends whose wives are no longer willing to make love to them. These are people in late 20s up to mid-30s. But even though sex is not important enough to the wife to meet her husband's needs and desires, it is important enough that she'd leave him if he cheated. How messed up is that? "I know you want/need it, but I don't care. I will deny you your one legitimate access, and punish you for attempting illegitimate access..."
And while I don't have statistics, it's accepted as true that if the wife dies first, many husbands will die within 6 months (of loneliness? broken hear?)...but when the man dies first, the woman will often live for 10 years or more, and speak of the happiness of being single and carefree. Many wives also hate when their husbands retire and start spending all their time at home.
It's depressing, I think. We aren't teaching our youth the right way to find a mate. Girls end up thinking that they are perfect and can make the guy become a good husband through nagging...if he doesn't become the husband they want, it's always his fault for being a loser, never hers. Guys are not taught to cherish and value a mate, not told to save their sexual desire for fulfillment in their wife, not commanded to remain faithful.
If you are single, I recommend you wait until you find someone you are perfect and best friends with. Someone you trust, someone you can talk to, who talks with you. The friendship and communication are the most important things.
And I hate to say it, but you are less likely to find that sort of beautiful heart in a beautiful package...Better to find the beautiful heart in a plain package and grow to love the package's appearance for its own sake.

Only 26? You have plenty of time as a man. My husband didn't marry me til he was in his late 30s. Lots of wasted time before that, of course, but you don't want to make the mistake of marrying the wrong woman... ;)

Don't let anybody tell you that there's only one woman for you. There are plenty of =right= women, just as there are plenty of =wrong= women. My husband had a system of not dating women who reminded him of previous girlfriends who turned out to be bad choices, even if it was only some kind of subliminal reminder. I think that's good advice for anybody.

And yes, there are American women out there who aren't total harpies who will take guys for all they're worth. You've got to pay attention, because the signs can be subtle early on about harpiness.

meep: I know there's no "The One", but in a way that makes it eve harder to settle!