I was just outside walking and I saw the fastest ant I've ever seen; it must have been some sort of super-ant. I was walking pretty fast and it kept up with me with no problem. I don't like ants, particularly super-fast ants that follow me, so I stepped on it and shed a single tear for the great ant empire that would never be. Sic semper tyrannis.

Know what animals I do like? Cows. They're tasty, and the parts you can't eat can be made into boss car accessories.

Another animal I don't like: turtles. They live too long. No animal should live longer than me. Every time I look at a turtle (or worse, a tortoise) I get the impression it's smirking at me, just waiting for me to die. Laugh it up, soupy.

Chickens: yummy.

Pigeons: rats with wings. When I was in Milan with my friend Mike Northover he was foolish enough to buy bird seed from some homeless guy. No sooner had the guy poured the seed into Mike's hand than he was completely engulfed by pigeons and fleas. He waved his arms around like they teach you at ornithology survival camp, but they still pecked his eyes out and then the fleas laid eggs in his empty eye sockets.

Cats are good because they kill rats and pigeons, and dogs help keep the cat population down. I don't know what eats dogs though; the cartoons never showed it.



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