I've written a couple of facetious posts about how dating has brought about the end of civilization, and my friend Megan has pointed me to an article that classifies women into three categories -- Party-Girls, Girlfriends, and Romantics -- and explains how they fit into the modern sexual paradigm. The gist of it: men are pigs and women are stupid. How so? Men have no motivation to control their sexual impulses when women are too stupid to realize they're being manipulated.
There have always been Party-Girls and Romantics, but what's new is the rise of the Girlfriend class.
Most young women are incapable of brazen sexual abandonment. They long for stability and permanence and love in their lives. But they begin receiving the attentions of young males at an early age, long before they intend to marry. So they enter into a half-way covenant between marriage, the longed-for ultimate source of stability and love, and the worrisome condition of the unattached female. To be unattached and female in our society is a difficult undertaking, psychologically, socially, and, at times, physically. Psychologically, the unattached woman often wonders whether she can get a man. Her self-confidence is not helped by her friends reassuring her that she will get a man "some day" or that she will "have lots of men." Unattached males, on the other hand, are always assumed to be playing the field. Women by their very nature have more difficulty being alone or unnoticed. They want to be loved, or at least complimented. The best male compliment to a female that we currently have in this society is the invitation to a date or to a kind of ongoing date.The article goes on to explain how the Girlfriend relationship is really a huge fraud perpetrated by men on vulnerable women, and I completely agree with the assessment.Socially, women and men both have a hard time being unattached because the world is set up for couples. High school formals, for example, come with great regularity. These events practically mandate teenage pairing-off. Who wants to show up at a formal occasion alone, have his own picture taken, and have no one with whom to dance? To the unattached adolescent, a high school formal appears like the coming of The Deluge. To board the Ark two-by-two one must find another unattached person. The collective attempt to find that other person constitutes the great emotional drama of the high school years. Nowadays it is also becoming physically necessary to "be with someone." Because the barbarians leer and jeer at women walking alone, women often attach themselves to men just to feel safe when going out. To keep the gorillas off, as young author Wendy Shalit has observed, you have to find your own gorilla. These various pressures practically force young women to attach themselves to someone. To whom is less important than the fact of being attached.
This attachment is called a relationship. The woman who enters into a relationship takes on the status of girlfriend.
To be sure, relationships end up imitating marriages. Boyfriends and girlfriends talk of "anniversaries" and of belonging to each other, and they engage in sex and often live together. When not involved in a relationship, they call themselves "single." Yet every girlfriend secretly knows that a "break-up" could occur at any moment. Indeed, couples even talk about "taking time off" for an indefinite period when things do not seem to be going well. Married people don't have the luxury of taking time off. There's no sabbatical for the seven-year itch. Marriage, at least according to its vows, settles for nothing less than always and forever.The end of the article summarizes what I've tried to do to make myself attractive to the Romantic girls that are left (in theory?).The prevailing culture of relationships, however, tends to undermine marriage. Most perennial girlfriends will have had several serious relationships before getting married and therefore several serious break-ups. These break-ups take an enormous toll on the happiness of young women. Especially when sex is involved, young women can feel these failed attempts at love as "losing pieces of yourself." They no longer feel whole. Erotic encounters, like any repeated activity, are habit-forming. If you have broken up several times before, what will stop you from doing the same thing once you are married? Relationship gurus assert that dating helps you find the right mate and that living with someone teaches you how to live with someone. It is more statistically accurate to say that the cycle of dating and breaking-up is good practice for divorce. In our society, with all the emphasis placed upon youth and individuality and fun, marriages more often imitate relationships than relationships prefigure marriage.
In previous ages, the system of courtship and marriage required on the part of young people both sexual restraint and a strong sense of the future. Young men had to "clean up their act" before they could become truly eligible bachelors. In order to gain a young lady's approval and ultimately her hand, a man had to do several things. He had to master his sex drive. He had to prove his devotion to her, usually over a long period of time. He had to pass inspection before her discerning parents. He had to become financially stable so that he could support his wife and the children they would have. In short, he had to become a man of means, a man of parts, and a man of character. The exacting demands of courtship discouraged males from becoming wimps or barbarians.As has been exhaustively pointed out elsewhere, the real effect of the Sexual Revolution has, ironically, been to subject women to the very worst behavior of men and tell them they should like it and act the same way.
Once while teaching the topic of chivalry in a Western Civilization class in college, I put the question to a "barbarian" student: If women refused to be around you if you cursed in front of them, stared at their chests, and in general acted in a lewd and drunken manner at parties, would you clean up your act? His answer was straightforward. "Yeah, of course. Who wouldn't?" Should romantic women across the nation make their preferences known by their great power of refusal, and should increasing numbers of perennial girlfriends come over into the camp of the romantics, young women would regain their natural capacity of commanding men. As surely as day follows night, young men would have to reform their character in short order.For more of my thoughts, read "Finding the One" and general essays on love and marriage.
Some young woman is going to be very lucky to be your wife one day, Michael. I honestly mean that.
I wish there had been some guys like you back when I was of "marriageable age" :)
Michael, I'm pleased to read what you have to say in response to my post, except for the thing about Romantic girls only existing in theory. I assure you, they're out there. I mean, I'm already taken, but I would consider myself one. I think most of my friends are. I'm sure there are enough of them in California and that you'll find one in God's time.
I'll believe it when I see it.
not sure yet what I think about the Romantics, but I think that the way to explain the Sexual revolution having the effect of subjecting women to the very worst behavior in men and telling them to like it is actually not just the EFFECT, but the CAUSE.
the women wanted equality and respect. They could therefore have demanded that men stop being pigs: clean up their act, treat ALL women with courtesy and respect, stop sexual harassment, stop viewing women as objects, stop date rape, conquest, etc. but the women didn't want THAT kind of equality. They decided it was cheaper and easier to lower their own standards, and achieve equality by acting the same way as men instead.
That was the effect, of course, because it was The Intended Effect.
The description of the Girlfriend is Precisely correct. It is what happens, particularly to attractive (on whatever measure) women, because they don't have a solid enough identity yet to fend off the gorillas themselves, and it's tiring to do so when the other gorillas don't respect you, just other gorillas. But I disagree Entirely that the fraud is perpetrated by men. It is perpetrated by WOMEN.
Men don't WANT to be the gorilla. They simply accept the gorilla role because a) they want sexual conquests, and b) they want to stop competing with other men for them. But they'd prefer pure sexual conquest or marriage rather than this in-between also. it's just that the second one is difficult to find, and first one is hard to come by--though "friends with benefits" relationships exist more and more. By this I mean that more and more, men and women enter into non-romantic/platonic friendships where they exchange sexual favors. For men, it's simply the sex they want for free; for women, it's just the trade they give to keep the illusion that platonic friendship with the opposite sex is something they've managed.
so why do I say women perpetrate, and perpetuate the Girlfriend myth? Because it's women who tell other women "Don't make any demands on your boyfriend! Don't demand he marry you! Don't demand he wait until you're married for sex! Ultimatums will make him leave you!" They also wear men as accessories; having no man is something that your female friends will discredit you for--so if you want to have female nurturing and companionship, you better have the gorilla.
the subtext:" Alone is terrible! Alone is weak and unworthy!"
it's not MEN who give women the impression that alone is worse than an unfulfilling relationship. It's women. and it's women who tell other women to demand less and less from a man--and to give up more and more. of course, paradoxically, once they have a man, the women often change tune--you shouldn't sacrifice YOUR career for your husband's; you shouldn't sacrifice girls' nights out for your fiance--to do so would be to be controlled, etc.
men might slightly defraud women when they say "I love you" or some other set of lies/confusions/half truths about what they feel. but often, they are quite clear in what they are saying--and the women, desperate for more, read into it their own projections. but it's really women who, having become victims of this situation themselves, need to validate their own experience by ensuring other victims will be created. it's a "I was (mistreated) and I'm fine, therefore that behavior is fine for you to be subjected to" kind of psychology.
Do romantics exist? i doubt it. i think you are much more likely to find women who were -- and are -- the Girlfriend type but who outgrow it as they mature. It's too darn useful in our society to have the gorilla on the arm when you are young and afraid of life, because no longer are there parents, other adults, social and cultural institutions to act as the chaperone to protect you. I think what you will find is a woman who fits the story of the Prodigal Son--one who walked that Girlfriend path for a very long way, and in the process, had her own awakening.
A: As always, your comments are very insightful. You should start a blog yourself!
Who knows what type of girl I'll find. I never like the ones who like me, and vice versa. My expectations aren't too high, I don't think... there must be some Romantics out there, since I exist.
Having read this essay previously, I have to agree with it. I have a 17 year-old daughter, raised as an ex-pat, and I think I'm going to have her read it to prepare for what she is going to run into when she goes to college in the States next year. It is pathetic, the level both today's young men and young women have sunk to, and I get the impression that there is very little real joy and happiness in any of it. And I blame us, those of us of my generation who ought to have raised them better.
Anyway, I just wanted to offer my view as someone who definitely did find "the one" 22 years ago. Searching for a "romantic" is fine, obviously, but I can tell there is one characteristic that you definitely want to find in a woman. You want a woman who, above all else, is relentless in her pursuit of God. She needs to be head over heals for Jesus. This should not be in some superficial or exterior way, but rather it should be deep down, I'm in this for the long haul, spirituality.
That is the one thing that will have the greatest impact and the most profound implications for the depth of your intimacy and oneness that you will reach. That is what will push you the hardest to become the man God is calling you to become. Once you get past the early bliss, the butterflies in the stomach of new love, it is the deep spiritual substance that will nurture your relationship and keep you going. Believe me, I've been there through some really tough times and "romance" is not enough.
The mere fact of her having to live with you will likely take its toll on all of any woman's romantic ideals. That's just reality. We men are a crude lot, and even the best of us have to be "domesticated", to some extent.
I married a woman like that. She is amazing. Her hunger and diligence to know God is a constant inspiration and challenge for me. It is huge part of the bedrock that has kept our family going. It is one of the things that makes me love her more and more.
That is not to say that she is perfect or that you should look for any kind of ideal spiritual woman. I'm not talking about marrying Mother Teresa! My wife has had plenty of struggles and issues to deal with. Pretty much anyone you find will have also. It could be someone from a terrible background. But all things considered, when you find someone that you feel is right, be sure that the spiritual issue is there.
How can you find such a woman? I can't say that I'm any expert on that. I know I got way better than what I deserve. I suppose the best thing I can say is that you should start by being such a man. I don't know much about what the church singles scene is like these days, but I believe there are such people out there. Just don't settle for anything less. Seek God and trust Him.
Alan: I pray every night that God would send me a Proverbs 31 wife.
the subtext:" Alone is terrible! Alone is weak and unworthy!"
Exactly! I have been told more times when I've gone to an even alone that I'm "so brave". I gave up long ago. I'd rather be alone than sacrifice my moraltiy, bacause in the end, it's God I'll have to answer to.
Not being bitter here, just realistic :) I'm sure I'll be a little old lady all alone with her cats. My biggest regret is that I'd always wanted children, but that wasn't meant to be.
Thanks again for your post, Michael.
Out of curiosity, Michael, aren't there any godly young ladies at your church? I'm not saying you need to think about dating these girls, but I would think they would at least be examples of what you're looking for.
Megan: Nope, it's very strange. There aren't many women my age at my church. There are a half-dozen guys my age, and basically no women. There high school girls, and 30ish women, but no one in between.
At my church, the only singles other than me were retirees.
I don't completely agree with your post but I wanted to comment anyway. I used to be VERY selective. I didn't considered myself in the "Romantic" group but I was definitely not a party-girl and not a girlfriend in the sense used here. I dated guys/had boyfriends but never went beyond kissing with any of them. Right before I started college, I went out on a date with a very good-looking funny guy I worked with. Fifteen minutes into our date, he told me his ex-girlfriend thought she might be pregnant (and here I was a virgin!). I didn't want to tell him to take me home right then and there but I was put-off by what he said. On our second (and final) date, he took me to a church get-together of his. Then in the next four days, he came to my house 7 times! I either wasn't home & my sister took a message or I pretended not to be home until finally I told him I wasn't sure we we re right for each other because of my stance on a lot of moral issues. He told me (politely but matter-of-factly) that my standards were too high and I should lower them!!! The next guy I went out with, I slept with after four months of dating and I have regretted it ever since!
I do get the feeling from many people though (and Michael you come off this way to me although maybe I'm reading you wrong)that if you are a virgin, you are more valuable than if you are not. A sin is a sin. Whether it's pre-marital sex or murder - if I ask God to forgive me and repent, to God it's as if it never happened. If God can be that way, why can't man?
Petra: It's not a matter of "value", but the fact of whether a girl has had sex or not tells me a lot about whether I'd be interested in marrying her. It wouldn't automatically kill the deal, but she'd have to have changed a huge amount from that time before I'd be convinced she really shared the same beliefs as me.