Thinking About My Future

I'm sure it isn't particularly unusual, but I find myself frequently thinking about time, and my place in it. I often wonder what my kids will think of all this writing, should they ever have the chance to read it. Most of the current events I mention in passing will be obscure historical footnotes in 20 years, if that.

Maybe my philisophical musings will give my kids food for thought. Maybe by the time I have kids I'll have repudated all my present beliefs, and I'll point back to this blog as an example of rank idiocy. If nothing else, they'll be able to get a glimpse of what I was like before they were born.

I always wonder what my parents were like before I came around. It's hard to get any useful information from them, because their current recollections are tainted by the intervening years. They're not much able to remember what they were like before me, either! But right now, I know exactly what my life is like without a wife or kids.

I work 50 hours a week or so building satellites. It's interesting work, but not my dream job. Then again, I don't rightly know what my dream job would be. I still think of myself as a kid, most of the time. I try very hard to be serious and meet my responsibilities, but most of what I must do is done simply to facilitate the things I want to do.

The same can even be said of school. I'm very eager to be finished with my PhD, but I can't imagine what I'll do with all the extra time. I spend an uncounted number of hours each week running simulations on my home computer and analyzing the results. Then I'll make a few tweaks to the code and start all over.

I've considered going to law school, but mainly because I don't know what I'd do without classes and coursework -- probably not the best reason to spend that kind of time and money. Also, I want to be a Supreme Court Justice. I don't exactly know why; it just sounds fun. When I was younger I wanted to be a trashman. Neither is likely.

So what do I want to do? Much of my free time is spent working at church. I teach 3rd through 5th graders on Fridays and Sundays, and I absolutely love my kids. Working with them is what has given me such a desire to have my own. The adult-child dynamic is fascinating and invigorating. The kids are exasperating at times, but I'm always sad to see them leave. The kids I like most are the ones that won't shut up, the ones who always have a random story to tell that generally has no bearing on whatever else is going on. I love answering questions. I love the idea that something I say might open up a whole new direction of thought for someone.

On Mondays I lead a small group of college-age students (real college-age, not old, like me). There's generally just four of us, but this summer we'll be absorbing a good number of kids that are currently in high school. We have a great time together and excellent discussions about God and our lives. I hope I'm teaching them something, too.

A few weeks ago we tried to play laser tag, but when we got to the place it was full of 8-year-olds at a birthday party. I'm sure we could have beaten them easily, but we left and saw a movie in Westwood instead. Big Fish. We also stopped at Aahs and I bought an airzooka. A good time was had by all, and particularly by me.

I'm also on the leadership team at church, and at our meeting last night we finalized a plan to move forward with some serious building renovations. We're going to get some architectural drawings done up to present to the church as a whole, and by some time next year we may have a completely redone education building. It's pretty exciting stuff, but particularly because this is just one outwardly visible facet of how God is working in our church right now.

I run 12-15 miles a week and lift weights. It's important to me to be in shape, because I didn't use to be. I'm not a health nut, but I find that I've got a lot more confidence and energy now that I'm a size S/M rather than a size L/XL. Go figure. I love peas, and eat a few pounds a week. I try to stay away from excessive carbs, but I'm certainly not part of the Atkin's craze. If I've got a vice, it's Mexican food.

My dad and step-mom moved to Reno near the end of last year, and I don't call them enough. If my kids ever read this, they'd better not make the same mistake. I still live near my mom, step-dad, and youngest half-brothers, and I see them every week or so. My oldest younger brother is about to graduate from Stanford and possibly move in with me for a few months. That would be weird; I haven't had a roommate for years. We used to share a room when we were kids, though, so we should be able to share a house. Still, a strange prospect.

There are more details... names and places, times and dates... but that just about sums up my life at the moment.

Last night I saw an old crush for the first time in several years. She just moved back to Los Angeles for work, and it was almost surreal. We've both changed in so many ways, but some of the old inside jokes elicited the same laughter as they had... a decade ago? Unbelievable. Maybe a bit less than that.

I'm not an old man yet, but high schoolers are kids. Heck, my college students are kids in my mind sometimes, too. It irks me when people drive too fast through my neighborhood. I sometimes find myself wishing that my lawn was a little greener and more uniform.

Perhaps only a quarter of my life is behind me, but some might think it was the best quarter. Not me. I'm sure that every year will be just as exciting, or more-so, than the one before it. I've still got a great many milestones to pass, many things to look forward to. Besides, can you really count the first 10-15 years of life? I don't remember much of them. If you only consider the years between 15 and 100, then I'm barely 1/8th through.