S3 (who really needs to get his own blog) sent me a FoxNews article on an issue that's very troubling to me, unjust child custody laws. The article is mainly focused on Britain, but most of the problems it discusses are present in America as well. Adequate fathers deserve equal access to their children.
It's often the case that fathers are caught in a Catch-22. Since the father is typically the major income-earner of the family, he doesn't spend as much time with the children as the mother does. This leads to two results: first, judges award primary custody to the mother because the children are more closely "bonded" with her; second, the father is stuck paying for raising the kids, even though he doesn't get to be with them. Frankly, this is an absurd predicament.
I believe that it is a father's responsibility to provide for the welfare of his family, but once the family is broken up (depending on the circumstances, of course) that responsibility needs to be reconsidered by the authority in charge of the divorce proceedings. I've read of cases in which the father is forced to financially support the mother and children, while being denied custody and even legally-enforced visitation. The court is forcing the man to continue fulfilling his fatherly-husbandly obligations even after the divorce, but just imagine the outcry if the court also forced the mother to continue cooking his meals and having his babies. (Don't get all huffy -- financial support is as much a fatherly responsibility as having babies is a motherly responsibility, take 'em or leave 'em.)
My parents divorced when I was 10, and in retrospect I'm incredibly grateful that the judge awarded them joint custody of me and my brother. I really want to get married and have kids, but this is one of the aspects I dread. Presumably, when I find a woman I want to marry I'll be 100% confident that this could never happen to me, but I know there's no certainty. It's scary.
Finally, I'd like to applaud FoxNews' website; it's the only major news outlet I know of that puts lots of links to outside sources in its stories. In this case, it links to a group called Fathers-4-Justice that looks pretty interesting (although I don't agree with their position that grandparents have an inalienable right to visit their grandchildren).
It's worse in some respects than you know. Wendy McElroy (as well as Glenn Sacks) also write regularly on this topic at iFeminists.
One of Wendy's more poignant essays was about the suicide rate among men who are denied any sort of visitation/custody, but are still forced to pay, in some cases judicially determined amounts in excess of their gross salaries. The suicide rate was about 6x that of men who are allowed visitation and have otherwise reasonable custody arrangements.
There was a recent tale about a father, struggling against the court system, who shot and killed himself on the court steps.
In another case, Darrin White in Canada committed suicide after a judge awarded monthly child support of twice his gross salary.
Another more recent example of the same phenomonon in Canada was a father who had all but $.43 of his weekly wages garnished to pay his child support. Can you live on $.43/week and no possibility of any sort of assistance? He too killed himself.
The list goes on an on and reform is desparately needed in this arena.
However, NOW gives the same tired arguments and has even produced a position paper (which I can't seem to locate at this point) which Wendy fisks rather thoroughly. The paper was about how the CA court system needed to lean even more toward women than men in awarding custody, holding up a bunch of straw men to knock down. (I'll post a link, if I can locate it.)
I believe that NOW is a terrorist organization.
In the barber shop today I was reading an article in a magazine called Men's Journal (Are You Sure You're the Real Father? pg.94
It's in the current issue.) which cited the statistic that as many as 10% of children are not fathered by their father. And that many of these non-biological fathers are eventually forced to pay support for these children that are not theirs. Some men have gone to jail in protest.
I've always thought that if I ever get proposed to my almost-husband and I would sit down and have a discussion on how the word divorce will never come out of our mouths. It would never be an option to consider or talk about. If I commit my life to someone, then I have made a vow in front of God and will not rescind. If I'm wary about making that vow and the ramifications or such an action, perhaps I should not be making it.
Here's the link to the column Wendy wrote about the NOW California report on custody. I think the story links to the actual report.
Megan, you are in the minority because most women draw it like a gun.
As often seems to be the case, I agree with Megan entirely in theory, but in practice I think it's impractical to not consider an issue that's so prevalent in our world today. Further, it's irresponsible to just assume that your partner will always and forevermore act in a Godly manner. The divorce rates for Christians are the same as for non-Christians.
Moreoever, I'm leaning towards thinking that prenuptual agreements are a smart idea. Maybe I'm overly cynical... but it may also be the case that Megan doesn't understand the way that many men my age (even Christians) view marriage, because of how distorted our culture is.
I'll post more on this.
Here's where I freak people out. Since women are commanded to submit to their husbands out of reference for God, I believe a Christian woman can never seek a divorce because it would be a sin. Second, husbands are commanded to love their wives like Christ loves the Church. Again, it would be sinful for men to seek divorce. Thus, I see absolutely no justifiable reason for signing a prenup, it's basically just a way to break a vow (sin)while trying to avoid the consequences for that sin.
Ugh. Seriously, it makes my stomach churn. My parents went through a reough patch my freshmen year in high school and the thought of it still brings me close to tears. I say this to all of you who are reading this, but especially to Michael. We were created by an amazing, powerful, loving God. He knows our every thought and every action before we do. He planned out your salvation and loves you perfectly, constantly and eternally. There is no reason for you to doubt that he is fully capable of working through a relationship that you enter into and commit to him. Have faith.
Sorry for the rant, but I feel strongly on this one. I'm actually shocked at your using the information about "Christians" getting divorced at the same rate as pagans considering that you've recently posted on how many people who claim to be Christians don't really know Jesus at all. If we could poll the truly faithful (impossible, I know), I am fairly sure the rates would be much lower.
Megan: Well, I'd be incredibly blessed to meet a woman like you. Maybe I will someday. I certainly hope so.
I think you're right that the point of a prenup is to mitigate the consequences of sin... but it may be someone else's sin, and not your own. To me, it's like buying car insurance. You may be a perfectly safe driver, but not everyone else on the road is. Ok, not a great analogy, since you get the pick the one other person who affects you... eh.
I wish things were different, and I may feel differently when (if) I ever actually meet someone I want to marry. I hope I do. I tend to be cynical.
As for "real" Christians and divorce, you may be right. I'd like to think so, but I don't know of any way to prove it.
There aren't many girls like you though, I don't think. Of course, if I never meet one, I probably won't get married. So, maybe it's a moot point. That's sad to contemplate, though.
Michael,
Thank you for the lovely compliments. It's always nice to hear people say that I'm a godly woman. The thing is, my friends impress and humble me constantly. For instance, my friend Steve who posts on my blog, she is three years younger than me and yet she challenges me with her maturity, wisdom, faithfulnes and knowledge everytime I speak to her. And I feel that way about pretty much all of my friends. And guess what, most of them are single, wondering if they'll ever meet a godly man. So, if God intends for you to get married, I'm sure that he'll bring the right kind of girl along.They may be few and far between, but they're out there.
Maybe I should hang around Master's College more then.
Christians who decry the utopian aspects of socialism are still blinded by their own utopianism. Way to go.
Sure divorce is bad. Will outlawing it make for more stable marriages? Or a more stable church? (I seem to recall a certain church being founded over the question of divorce. A Protestant Church at that.) Or will it just encourage cheating and mistresses, shacking up, and other such evils?
When it comes to humans there are no perfect systems. Only better or worse.
So the question to ask is this: is a system that allows divorce better or worse than the alternative?
Women are money grubbers and men are dogs in heat. This is what we have to deal with. This is reality. It is one of the reasons men buy sex and women sell it. The question then is what kind of social order will best deal with these facts of life.
Now it is true we can outlaw all this ugliness and thus pretend it doesn't exist and punish it without mercy when it does show up. So far, though, no prohibition law has been stronger than human nature. And our avidity to punish just shows how far we are from being godly.
As an aside here: I married my current wife after we had been going together 8 or 9 years. When we visited my parents (unmarried) we slept together in their house. I married my wife when she was 8 1/2 months pregnant with our first child. Yet here we are 20+ years later both still on our first marriage while many of our friends are on their second or third.
Following the rules is no guarentee of anything. Pro or con. Now following the rules may improve the odds, but it will not give certainty.
One thing that helped us was that we delayed marriage in order to gain some maturity that we both knew we were lacking in the beginning.
The delay of marriage until the late 20s or later is one of the surest predictors of marital success. Which leaves the problem of sex. In the 60s or 70s it was reported that Jewish men tended to have more premarital sex and more successful marriages. Why the correlation? Delay. The longer the delay the more pre-marital partners.
Stop looking for perfection. Start looking for what works.
I'm less concerned with that "works" from a temporal standpoint, than with what will glorify God in the long run. It's rather likely that I won't get married until my late 20s anyway though, since they're sure creeping up on me.
And of course, Jesus didn't outlaw divorce entirely, any more than Moses did.