FRIA

Mr. Anderson: Who is it?
Agent Smith: Federal Romantic Investigation Agency, open up!
Mr. Anderson: What?
Agent Smith: I'm Special Agent Smith, this is Special Agent Boyles. We're with the Federal Romantic Investigation Agency; may we come in?
Mr. Anderson: You don't look very romantic to me.
Agent Smith: You may not be quite so jolly once we've had a chance to talk, Mr. Anderson. Agent Boyles, make a note of that.
Agent Boyles: Yes sir. Don't try to obstruct our investigation, Mr. Anderson.
Mr. Anderson: Investigation of what? What do you want?
Agent Smith: We investigate date crimes, Mr. Anderson.
Mr. Anderson: What?! Like rape? I've never --
Agent Boyles: Not exactly.
Agent Smith: We've had numerous complaints filed against you over the past 7 years, Mr. Anderson.
Mr. Anderson: Complaints about what?
Agent Smith: Agent Boyles, make a note.
Agent Boyles: Yes sir. Dating irregularities, Mr. Anderson, that's what.
Mr. Anderson: "Irregularities"?
Agent Smith: Don't act so incredulous, Mr. Anderson. We've been watching you very closely.
Mr. Anderson: Watching me?
Agent Boyles: And we've received numerous complaints.
Agent Smith: As well as some serious allegations of reckless disregard for romantic regulations.
Mr. Anderson: What regulations?
Agent Smith: Make a note, Agent Boyles: ignorance of the law is no excuse.
Agent Boyles: Yes sir.
Mr. Anderson: Look, who said what about me?
Agent Smith: Nice try, Mr. Anderson. The identities of complaining victims are all confidential.
Agent Boyles: Don't try to obstruct our investigation, Mr. Anderson.
Agent Smith: Make a note.
Agent Boyles: Yes sir.
Mr. Anderson: Just tell me what I've done.
Agent Smith: Does "criminal failure to take a hint" ring a bell, Mr. Anderson?
Mr. Anderson: I, uh....
Agent Smith: How about "felonious oogling"?
Mr. Anderson: I don't understand....
Agent Smith: "Negligently insufficient pandering"?
Agent Boyles: "Excessive flattery"?
Mr. Anderson: I haven't done any of that.
Agent Smith: Make a note, Agent Boyles.
Agent Boyles: Yes sir.
Mr. Anderson: What are all those notes for?
Agent Boyles: Don't try to obstruct our investigation, Mr. Anderson.
Agent Smith: You're in deep enough already. How do 7 charges of "misdemeanor smothering" sound?
Agent Boyles: Along with several instances of "failure to initiate prompt telephonal oration"?
Mr. Anderson: I didn't call soon enough?
Agent Smith: Interesting admission. Agent Boyles, make a note.
Agent Boyles: Yes sir.
Agent Smith: How many African-American females have you dated in the past 7 years, Mr. Anderson?
Mr. Anderson: Uh, I don't --
Agent Boyles: Try "1".
Mr. Anderson: Oh right, N--
Agent Smith: Must I remind you that the victims' identities are confidential?
Mr. Anderson: Sorry, but she's not a victim!
Agent Smith: Are you aware that African-Americans make up 12% of the population, Mr. Anderson?
Mr. Anderson: I guess so.
Agent Smith: Maybe you can explain this discrepancy, then.
Mr. Anderson: What?
Agent Boyles: Don't play dumb, Mr. Anderson.
Agent Smith: On how many separate occasions did you take out an African-American?
Mr. Anderson: Just that once, I guess.
Agent Smith: Our records indicate that you took out non-Hispanic whites an average of 3.2 times before eliminating them, but your single African-American date was only taken out once. How do you explain that, Mr. Anderson?
Mr. Anderson: I just didn't like her....
Agent Smith: Are you aware that your actions may be in violation of the Equality in Dating Act?
Mr. Anderson: No.
Agent Boyles: Noted.
Agent Smith: Good man. Mr. Anderson, you took Hispanics on an average of 2.8 dates before elimination.
Mr. Anderson: Elimination?!
Agent Smith: That may not seem like a much of a difference to you, but a 0.4 Mean Affection Differential is very close to statutory limits.
Agent Boyles: Manipulating your MAD to evade federal prosecution is a felony.
Mr. Anderson: ....
Agent Smith: We also have a report indicating that you took a young lady to California Pizza Kitchen.
Mr. Anderson: That's not true!
Agent Smith: I'm glad to hear that, Mr. Anderson. Agent Boyles, make a note.
Agent Boyles: Yes sir.
Agent Smith: Tell us about last Friday night, Mr. Anderson.
Mr. Anderson: What about it?
Agent Smith: According to surveillance, you prejudicially spurned the advances of a homosexual-American.
Mr. Anderson: What?!
Agent Smith: How many homosexuals have you dated in the past 7 years, Mr. Anderson?
Mr. Anderson: None, but, I'm not --
Agent Boyles: You’re not a homophobic racist?
Mr. Anderson: Well, no, what? I'm not racist, or homophobic, but I'm not homosexual either. I've got lots of black friends.
Agent Boyles: That's what they all say, Mr. Anderson.
Agent Smith: How many homosexual-American friends do you have, Mr. Anderson?
Mr. Anderson: I don't even know.
Agent Smith: Are you aware that federal regulations prohibit discrimination based on age, race, gender, disability, religion, wealth, appearance, occupation, mental condition, nationality, and sexual orientation?
Mr. Anderson: I guess I am now.
Agent Smith: Agent Boyles, make a note.
Agent Boyles: Yes sir.
Agent Smith: The Attorney General says we don't have enough for an indictment -- yet -- but we'll be watching you.
Agent Boyles: Good day, Mr. Anderson. Keep it in your pants.
Agent Smith: Or don't, pursuant to all applicable regulations. Good day.