Funniest Joke Ever

Two guys walk into a bar. The third one ducked.

Did you get that off of the "Guy walks into a bar" joke book? I read my mother's copy and laughed out loud (I never laugh out loud at reading someting)

-L

A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says "Why the long face?"

No, there is such a book?

I like that joke because most people don't seem to get it, even when you explain it.

A nun, a gorilla, and Santa Claus walk into a bar.

The bartender says, "What is this? Some kind of joke?"

Two atoms are walking down the street.
The first one says, "Oh no, I just lost an electron!"
The second one says, "Are you sure?"
and the first one replies, "I'm POSITIVE!"

The book is here on amazon. Called "A guy goes into a bar..."

Honestly, I don't understand why this book is so funny, but it is.

-L

the funniest bar joke is:
a baby seal walked into a bar...

read it a couple of times, then youll see what i mean

Famous last words:
"it doesn't look that far."
"what fire?"
"I'll get it."
"Damn your ugly."
"I can't beleve it's not butter."

its: a baby seal walks into a club..

i so do not get the baby seal one. Please explain it.

it's not right, the correct saying is.... "A baby seal walked into a club....."

baby seal....gettin hit by a club... lol

yeah i got it a bit rong and was a bit l8 repyin but hu cares its not funni nemore da best joke is:...

2 weasels walked in2 a bar and had a couple of drinks, the first 1 says 2 da 2nd 1, I SLEPT WITH UR MOTHER, the second one looks at hm with a funni look, and the whole bar goes quiet 2 see what da 2nd 1 will say, and then the 1st weasel says again, I SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER, the second weasel calmly says, go home dad, your drunk

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
moooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

OMG this is so awesome and im so tired lol :P

oh real relevant comment

3 LEGGED DOG WALKS INTO A BAR AND TELLS THE BARTENDER. "BARTENDER! I'D LIKE TO SEE THE MAN WHO SHOT MY PAW"

Did you hear the one about the No Legged Soldier , who rolled into the bar????

The best joke is;

Q: What do you call a fly with no wings?

A: A walk!

Yeahhhhhh Boiiiiii!!

A young man visited his uncle on the farm. Everwhere they went, they were followed by a large pig. On the third day the young finally man asked his uncle, "Why does this pig follow you everywhere you go?"

His uncle explained that the pig was his best friend and had actually pulled down a small tree, held in in his teeth and extended it out to me in the pond when I had fallen from the tractor.

"He saved my life," said the farmer.

"Well, tell me this!" exclaimed the lad.

"Yes?" replied the farmer.

"How come he's only got three legs?"

The farmer replied, "Could you eat a pig that good ALL AT ONCE?"

What did the inflatable teacher say to the inflateable pupuil who came into the inflateable school one day and wreaked havoc?

You've let me down, you've let the school down, but most of all, you've let yourself down.

i don't get that joke, i feel retarted because it makes no sense, someone please explain it!

A priest, a vicar and a rabbi walk into a bar. the barman looks up and says, "Oi, is this some kind of joke?"

what film do u get when u pull down ur pants?

Free Willy

Did you hear about the martyr??

Q: Whats brown and sticky.
A: A stick!

why was 6 afraid of seven?
cuz seven eight nine!
oh yeah
lol

i reallt don't get the one... "did you hear about to martyr??" ... please explain! :-(

A beautiful nun is sitting down on the bus when a young man approaches her. He asks her, "Hey sexy, hows about we go to my place and have a good time?" The nun replies, "How dare you, cannot you see that i am a nun. I should love none other than Jesus Christ." The young man, discouraged, sits down. When his stop comes, he proceeds to exit the bus when the bus driver stops him and says, "Hey bud. That nun you were talking to, she goes and prays at the chapel every night at midnight. You should go there at midnight with a Jesus mask on and ask her to have sex with you." The young man exclaims, "Brilliant! Thanks, I will do that." So the young man goes to the chapel at midnight with his convincing Jesus mask and finds the nun praying at the altar. "Hello, dear nun, it is I, Jesus Christ, who comes to you, seeking your love. You shall lay with me tonight," says the young man. The nun is convinced and says, "Oh Jesus, anything for you, but please, for the sake of preserving my virginity, we must have anal sex." The young man agrees and they proceed to have passionate sex for hours. When all is done, the young man feels his guilt arise and decides to confess to the nun. Removing his mask he says, "Hey, i'm not Jesus, im the guy from the bus. I feel terrible now." The nun, feeling equally guilty, tears off her mask saying, "Its ok, its me, the bus driver."

why do black guys wear baggy trousers?

because they're negros

"why do black guys wear baggy trousers?

because they're negros"

Hahahaha...awesome.

People on my message board, www.edlboards.tk , would love these.

Three guys are walking through New York one day when Satan appears. He stops them and says: Tell me, each of you, one thing that you love. The first man says: I love pizza. The second one says: I love money. The third one says: I love butt-fucking. Satan tells them that they must not do anything concerning these things for a day or they will be transported to Hell. They walk away, and they see a pizza parlor. The first man, overcome by his urge to eat pizza, runs and buys a slice. He bites into it, and poofs away. The two continue on, and come across a penny on the ground. The second man bends over to pick up the penny, and the third man poofs away.

another blonde joke i no, but this one is good. a blonde a brunette and a ginger were drivin thru the deseryt when there car broke down. they each took one item. the brunette took some water the ginger took some food and the blonde took the car door. after a while the brunette asked the blonde why she brought the car door. she replied so i can wind the window down when it gets too hot.

About the electron joke, here's another one along those lines:
An electron walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a high amount of electricity. The bartender goes: "Dude, are you positive?" .
!

ok you guys think those lame jokes are funnie than do i gotta good one for you!
It got crowded in heaven, so, for one day it was decided only to accept people who had really had a bad day on the day they died. St. Peter was standing at the pearly gates and said to the first man, "Tell me about the day you died." The man said, "Oh, it was awful. I was sure my wife was having an affair, so I came home early to catch her with him. I searched all over the apartment but couldn't find him anywhere. So I went out onto the balcony, we live on the 25th floor, and found this man hanging over the edge by his fingertips. I went inside, got a hammer, and started hitting his hands. He fell, but landed in some bushes. So, I got the refrigerator and pushed it over the balcony and it crushed him. The strain of the act gave me a heart attack, and I died." St. Peter couldn't deny that this was a pretty bad day, and since it was a crime of passion, he let the man in. He then asked the next man in line about the day he died. "Well, sir, it was awful," said the second man. "I was doing aerobics on the balcony of my 26th floor apartement when I twisted my ankle and slipped over the edge. I managed to grab the balcony of the apartment below, but some maniac came out and started pounding on my fingers with a hammer. Luckily I landed in some bushes. But, then the guy dropped a refrigerator on me!" St. Peter chuckled, let him into heaven and decided he could really start to enjoy this job. "Tell me about the day you died?", he said to the third man in line. "OK, picture this, I'm naked, hiding inside a refrigerator...."
Now u have gotta addmitte that thats pretty damn funnie?! i was cryin after i heard that joke cuz i was laughin to hard! Thats the best joke i have ever heard n' i've got plenty more!
x0x0 luv ya'll emi-LAY
email me if u wanna! hA hA hA

I JUST HAD TO SAY THAT THE "GO HOME DAD, YOUR DRUNK" ONE IS FUNNY AS SHIT

Two campers are walking through the woods when a huge brown bear suddenly appears in the clearing about 50 feet in front of them. The bear sees the campers and begins to head toward them. The first guys drops his backpack, digs out a pair of sneakers, and frantically begins to put them on. The second guys says, "What are you doing? Sneakers won’t help you outrun that bear." "I don't need to outrun the bear," the first guy says. "I just need to outrun you." bamb that carves ya all

You've probly heard this one:
A little girl says to her mom: "is god black or white?"
mom says: "both."
the daughter asks: "is god a man or a woman?"
Mom says: "Both."The daughter pauses a moment, looking mildly confused, then her face is lit with sudden comprehension and she says: "Ohhh! God is Michael Jackson!"

ok the funniest joke i heard was from my dad

a man goes to the gates of heavene where he is met by jesus. "why are you here?" jesus says. "im looking for my son" the man replies. "well, there is a lot of people here, give me hand by describing him". "well he has holes in his hands and holes in his feet". Jesus brakes down in a flood of tears.

"DADDY" jesus cries.
The man replies "pinnochio?"

why are black people so tall...
'cause their negros

(knee-grows)

how did helen keller burn her face...

she picked up the iron when the phone rang

So a midget walks under a bar...

about the hellen keller one.... shes def :-P

Now, What did hellen keller name her dog?
Muahaoihjdhkajh (just make a random noise)

Helen keller is deaf and blind.

...well was*

Why didn't G-Unit ride the bus? Because they left 50-Cent at home!
Lol

2 nuns in a bath. one asks the other "where's the soap?". The seond nun replies "Yes it does, doesn't it."

I have the best joke for you all, I frikkin laughed my ass off at this and everyone i tell it to luaghs so damn hard;kk

Why does Micheal Jackson like 28 Years olds?

Cause there's Twenty of them.
hahaahhaha

A girl asks her mother, "Why was I named Rose?". Her mother replied, "Because when you were born, a rose petal fell and landed right on your forehead. The girl was chuffed and left the room. Seconds later, her retarded sister entered the room, moaning the same question to their mother, "Muuuumm...". Mother interrupted, "Oh Shut up Fridge!"

Dont knock mastarbation-its sex with someone I love

ok, These 3 guys were on a hike when these cannibals kidnapped them and tied them to rods.
"ok" one of the cannibals said "heres wut we're gonna do, we're goona stick ten of any random objects up your ass. If you laugh before we get to 10, you will die." the 1st guy gets apples. he makes it to 4 before he laughs and dies. the second guy has berries. he makes it to 9 'fore he laughs. but before they kill him, ask him why he laughed and he said "'cause i looked in the basket of pineapples."

ok, a bus holding 100 ugly christians blows up and they all die. in heaven they meet Jesus Christ. he gives them all one wish. they all start wishin they were beautiful. about 1/4 of the way through, the guy at the end is laughin his ass off. Jesus asks what so funny, he didn't answer. about 1/2 way through, so far, everyones wished to be beautiful. the guy at the end has tears rollin down his eyes from laughin. Jesus gets to him and says "alright, what's so funny?"
and the guy says "I wish they were all ugly again."

Here's a lame joke,
2 peanuts were walking down the street
one waa assaulted.

get it! A Salted
oh whatever

???
those jokes are racist and stupid, the one about the fridge is good, but other than that... GET A LIFE, heres a good joke.

superman is flying over new york when he sees wonderwoman sunbathing on top of the justice league, and she is buck naked, legs spread eagle, looking sexier than ever just beggin to be screwed, so superman thinks
"i could just zip down there, do her, and fly away fast as a speeding bullet and she wouldnt even know what hit her."
so superman does it and befor he gets to fly away he hears wonderwoman scream
"WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT"
and the invisible man goes:
"i dont know, but my asswhole is killin me"

if you didnt like that one:
so mickey mouse goes to a divorce lawyer saying he wants to divorce minney.
"mickey you cant do this"
shouts his lawyer
"yo uand minney are an american icon, millions would be crushed if you got divorced, and besides, the only reason you want this divorce is cuz shes crazy, but i mean come on, she loves you, cut her some slack."
mickey says:
"i never said she was crazy, i said she was fuckin' goofy

Did you hear about the magic tractor?
He turned into a field!

1 day this man is in a pub and a woman comes over to him and says hi what u drinking and the man says magic beer, so the ladie walk off thinkin what a freak, then sees there is no1 else to talk to and walkes over and says"is that really magic beer" and the man says yes look and the man takes 1 big gulp runs out the window and flys around the building 3 times and the ladie says do it again and the man does, so the ladie takes a guld and hops out the window and falls 400 foot to her death, then the managers says to the man " i h8 u when your drunk superman"

quasimodo is walking down the street, and he finds a fiver lying on the floor. As he is so ugly, he never gets any sex, so he decides to use the money to hire a hooker so he can get a shag. He walks down a little further, and sees a prostitute. 'how much darling' he says. The hooker replied telling him that the cost was 15 pounds. Quasi walks down a little further, and sees another hooker, a black girl. He asks her the same question and she replies 'ten pounds' He walks on and within five minutes he sees another hooker. He gets his shag for a fiver, and goes back to the belltower happy.

20 years later, and Quasimodo is an old man. An extremely ugly man bursts in, and screams 'how could you have sex with a woman! you made me soo ugly i want 2 kill myself!'

Quasimodo replies 'Calm down son, another fiver and you would've been black'

beat that!!!

ha not bad not bad thts gud im likein it:

Two fellas are fishing in a boat under a bridge.

One looks up and sees a funeral procession starting across the bridge.

He stands up, takes off his cap, and bows his head.

The procession crosses the bridge and the man puts on his cap, picks up his rod and reel, and continues fishing.

The other guy says, "That was touching. I didn't know you had it in you."

The first guy responds, "Well, I wel i was married 2 the bitch for 40 years

I'm new here, i reaf the jokes, some great, others SUCK

You want a good joke listen to thiS!

3 men, stranded on a big island.
Suddenly a 550 lbs. man comes out of a bush and says "DEATH OR BONGO"

First man hesitates, but says, "bongo plz"
Another 550 lbs. man falls from a tree and they butt-**** him. He is in severe pain.

Guy from bush says to second man " DEATH OR BONGO"
The second man says "I HAVE CHILDREN!! BONGO!"
2 of these 650 lbs. men butt-**** him too

Guy from bush says to third man " DEATH OR BONGO"
3rd man says DEATH, IM NOT DOING THAT!

5 of these 700 lbs. men drop from a tree, they all yell...

DEATH BY BONGO!!!!!

If u think thats not funny, u got bad taste

ALSO,

Saul is working in his store when he hears a booming voice from above: "Saul, sell your business." He ignores it. It goes on for days. "Saul, sell your business for $3 million." After weeks of this, he relents, sells his store. The voice says ‘Saul, go to Las Vegas." He asks why. "Saul, take the $3 million to Las Vegas." He obeys, goes to a casino. Voice says, "Saul , go to the blackjack table and put it down all on one hand." He hesitates but knows he must. He’s dealt an 18. The dealer has a six showing. "Saul, take a card." What? The dealer has -- "Take a card!" He tells the dealer to hit him. Saul gets an ace. Nineteen. He breathes easy. "Saul, take another card." What? "TAKE ANOTHER CARD!" He asks for another card. It’s another ace. He has twenty. "Saul, take another card," the voice commands. I have twenty! Saul shouts. "TAKE ANOTHER CARD!!" booms the voice. Hit me,Saul says. He gets another ace. Twenty one. The booming voice goes: "un-fucking-believable!"

not as good, but good

Tarzan and Jane meet. Jane thinks he's hot. Tarzan, she says, do you know about sex? No, says Tarzan. What is sex? Jane tells him and Tarzan says, Oh yeah, I put it in tree knothole. No says Jane, as she lays down and spreads her legs. You put it here as she points to her crotch. Tarzan looks at her for a second then kicks her with a lot of force right betweenthe legs. Jand writhes in agony for quite some time and when she can talk again she asks him, Tarzan, why did you do that? Tarzan always check for squirrels first, he replies.

i went for a walk with my uncle jim, wen sumbody thrwe a tomato at him,
tomatoes dont hurt i sed with a grin.
THEY FUCKIN WELL DO WEN THEYRE STILL IN THE TIN!! lol

Q why do blondes like a car with a sunroof
A because it has more leg room

Q what is a blondes favourite nursery rhyme??

A humpme dumpme!! lol

Okay, this one kicks ass just because I'm Irish.

A frenchman, a scotsman, and an irishman are in a bar, and the frenchman finds a fly in his beer, and shoves it away in disgust. The scottsman also finds a fly, kills it, and doesn't finish his drink. The irishman sees a fly in his beer, drinks the beer, then grabs the fly and holds it over his cup and sais, "SPIT IT OUT!"

A woman went into a bar & asked the barman for a double entendre. So he gave her one.

7 Dwarfs go to meet the pope
Dopey says "almighty pope are there any midget nuns in the vatican?"
The pope thinks for a while then replies "no dopey, there are no midget nuns in the vatican"
The other dwarfs begin to chuckle,
Dopey asks the pope "are there any midget nuns in Europe?"
Again the pope replies "no"
By now the other dwarfs are rolling on the floor with laughter.
Dopey asks the pope "are there any midget nuns in the world?"
"No" replies the pope " there are no midget nuns in the world"
The other dwarfs begin dancing round the room chanting:
Dopey made love to a penguin!!
Dopey made love to a penguin!!
Dopey made love to a penguin!!

all the jokes are pretty good. heres a pretty good one.

why did the baby cross the road?

because it was stapled to the chickens foot.

there ya go for contraversial

A Pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel down his pants. Bartender says "holy crap mate, you know you have a steering wheel down your pants?" Pirate says "AARRR, Its driving me nuts!"

Why are Episcopaleans such poor chess players?

Because they can't tell the difference between a Bishop and a Queen.

An Englishman, Scotsman and Irishman were captured by Osama Bin Laden on a tropical island. Now Osama said i will let you go if you can find 10 items all of the same size to shove up your ass. So the Scotsman goes off and brings back 10 Raspberries but when he got to 6 he couldnt fit anymore in so Osama shot him. The Englishman comes back with 10 grains of sand and starts inserting them up his backside when all of a sudden at the count of 4 he breaks into laughter. Well Osama got his gun out and then puzzled asked him why he laughed when he only got to 4 grains of sand? The englishman replied well its simple ive just seen the Irishman coming over the hill with 10 coconuts!

LOL

I love it lol!

the best joke is the one with the ferrets in the bar
but listen to this blond joke:
there were three girls; a redhead, a brunette, and a blonde. they were being chased by a cop. the girls see three potato sacs and hide in them.
the cop sees the sacks and kicks one. the redhead says meoow. the cop moves to the 2nd sac and kicks it and the brunette says roof.so the cop moves to the last one and kicks it. the blonde then yells potato! lol

when is it bed time at the michael jackson house?

when the big hand is on the little hand.

a paramedics answers a call for help in his apartment a women is pregnant and the only one there is her five year old daughter the woman is having contractions so the paramedic tells the little girl to help by holding the flashlight.the baby is delivered its a boy the paramedic picks him up slaps him on the butt and asks the little girl what she thinks of her new brother.she says in a little voice *spank him again he knows better than to hide in there"

AAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWWWWWEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMMMMEEEEEEEEEEE

Another for the heap:

One day the Famous Detective Sherlock Holmes and his trusty sidekick Watson are on a long camping trip. The pack their tent, bedrolls, food, raincoats, and Watson brought his gun in case they met a bear.

On the end of the second day they found a beautiful clearing on the top of a hill where they decided to call it a night. They setup camp cooked a light supper over a small fire, put it out and crawled into their tent and went to sleep.

In the middle of the night, as he was enjoying a peaceful dream, Watson feels himself being shaken awake. Grabbing his gun that was nearby he looks around in confusion, to see Holmes waking him up. Looking about to see why he was woken up he asks: "What's the matter Holmes?"

Holmes looks at him thoughtfully and smiles, lies back and stares straight up, waving a hand: "Look into the sky Watson and tell me what you see."

Watson is stunned. He looks at Holmes and thinks, he couldn't have woken me from a wonderful dream just to ask me such a question if there any danger, but Holmes questions always are important. So Watson looks around swiftly to ensure there's no threat, puts down the gun, lies back down and stares into the sky.

Wanting to impress Holmes with his keen deductive power he thinks for a second and says: "Looking into the star filled sky I realise that they may be such as our sun be seen at a distance, the way a bonfire is but a candle at the end of a street. And if each of those stars are in fact as our sun, then it is possible that there may other worlds out there, and on them life such as our own. And they may even be staring back at us across the infinite void."

Holmes slaps himself in the forehead and groans: "Watson you idiot, somebody stole our tent."

the watson and sherlock one was awesome man where did you get that great joke jalben

How do you stop a clown from laughing?

Hit him in the face with an ax.

here are a few jokes for you all:

Why do prostitutes earn more than drug dealers?

They can wash their crack and sell it again…

A blond, brunette and a red head are discussing their daughters, and how they don’t know them very well...
The brunette come up with an example and tells them… “I don’t know my daughter very well, I went into my daughters room the other day and found a half empty packet of cigarettes. I didn’t even know my daughter smoked “
The red head says, “ I don’t know my daughter very well, I went into my daughters room the other day and found a half empty bottle of vodka… I didn’t even know my daughter drank”
Then the blond speaks up and says… “ Well I don’t know my daughter very well, the other day I went into my daughters room and found a half empty packet of condoms.. I didn’t even know my daughter had a penis”

Here are some more innocent thinkers…

A magician is driving down the street and turns into a driveway…

Two fish in a tank, one says to the other, “ you man the guns and I’ll drive”

Q:Whats worse that getting raped by Jack the Ripper?

A:Getting fingered by Captain Hook!

buwahahaha;)

ive got a bunch that trump most of those

Q: whats funnier than seven dead babies in a trash can?
A: one dead baby in seven trash cans.

Q: whats all red and in a pile in my garage?
A: a pile of dead babies.
Q: whats green and smelly?
A: that same pile a month later.

Q: whats the difference between a pickup truck full of gravel and a truck full of dead babies?
A: you cant unload the gravel with a pitch-fork.

Q: What's funnier than a dead baby?
A: dead baby in a clown costume!

Q: What's funnier than a dead baby?
A: dead baby sitting next to a kid with down syndrome.

Q: How do you know when a baby is a dead baby?
A: The dog plays with it more.

Q: What's more fun than feeling up a dead baby?
A: Feeling up a dead baby with three nipples

Q: How do you make a dead baby float?
A: Take your foot off of it's head.

Q: What's the difference between a dead baby and a trampoline?
A: When you jump on a trampoline, you take your boots off.

A blonde buys a jigsaw puzzle of a rooster and is sitting at the table looking frustrated. Her boyfriend gets off the couch, wanders over and asks how the puzzle is going. The blonde suddenly breaks into tears and says "none of the pieces fit together!"
The boyfriend looks at his girlfriend, looks at the table and says "honey, it's a box of cornflakes"

Knock knock

Who'se there?

Interrupting cow

Interrupting cow wh...

MOOO!!!!

I lay in bed last nite, lookin at the moon, the stars, the endless horizon... wen suddenly i thought...
WER THE FUDGE IS MY ROOF?

Btw, dead baby jokes r just sick, but hey thts wat u wnted sum1 2 say

The dead baby jokes are great.

I see, said the blind man, as the girl with no arms clapped at the man with no legs running through the finish line.

Whats the only thing better than winning a gold medal at the Special Olympics?

Not being retarded

what has 2 legs and bleeds a lot?

Half a dog.

ive got a few that can beat them

an anxious woman comes 2 c the priest 1 day after church and says that shes concerned cos her husband keep fallin asleep in church. So they make a plan. He tells her to signal him when the husbands asllep and hell giv a signal to stab a needle in2 him. So the man falls asleep, The woman siganals and the priest says ' who is the founder of the world' and signals bak and she stabs him, he wakes up and shouts god. He falls asleep again they do the signal thing and the priest says who is gods messenger, she stabs him again and he wakes up and shouts 'jesus'. he falls asleep again so the woman tries 2 catch the attention but the priest dusnt see. she thinks hes given her the signal. So she stabs him with the needle while the priest is sayin, 'what did eve say to adam after their 23rd child', the man wakes up after bein stabbed and shouts 'will u stop puttin that thing up me b4 i snap it and shuv it up ur ass'

funny adam and eve one but this rules all----------

a man walks into a bar and says "what can I do for you to give me a hundred beers?" The bartender thinks for a second and replies " If you go into the stable outside and make that horse laugh, i'll give you 100 beers"... So the man walks out, the bartender hears the horse laugh, and upon the mans return gives him 1oo beers and says " okay, i'll give you 100 more beers if you make that horse cry"
so the man walks outside and soon after the bartender hears the horse cry. When the man returned the bartender said " how did you do it?"
The man said, " I got the horse to laugh by telling him my dick was bigger than his... and I got the horse to cry when I proved it."

courtesy of Spenny

A guy walks into a bar and notices the bar tender has an amazing body but a tiny head. the guy says "whats with your head?"

The bar tender goes " Well I was hunting in the forest when i saw this spirit." She said she'd grant me 3 wishes. "So for my first wish i said can i have an amzing body? So puff i got an amazing body."

then she said " Your second wish"? I said " Well im still a virgin so can we have sex for hours and hours.

So then she said "what else" Then I said, " how about a little head?

Why do crackers have holes in them?

Because the nigger shot their stupid asses for telling racist jokes.

Whats the difference between a working black man and sasquatch?

Sasquatch has been spotted.

Whats the difference between Christopher Reeves and Christohper Walkin?

Hes Walkin!

How did the blonde break her arm?

Well she was raking leaves when she fell out of the tree.

BAZINGG~

why did the pervert cross the road

he couldn't get his dick out the chickens ass

What goes, "Ha Ha - Thump?

A man laughing his head off.

oh baby first joke of 2006:

While travelling around the world, Jesus and Moses bump into each other at the Red Sea. Jesus asks Moses, "So Moses, ya still got it? Can you part this Sea?" Moses spreads his arms and the Sea soectacularly parts - just as before. Moses and Jesus cross to the other side safely. The Sea comes comes together again and Moses asks Jesus, "If you are so great, walk across the top of this Sea." Jesus proceeds to walk across, but falls when about halfway across. Moses parts the Sea once more and rushes to the rescue of his half-drowned companion. "Oh Mighty Jesus why did you fall? For has it not been told that you, the incarnation of GOD on earth, has walked on water before?" A pathetic spluttering Jesus replies, "Gimmie a break, the last time i did that i didnt have holes in my feet!"
CHA-CHING!:P

A man is going on holiday for a few weeks, and he wants to make sure his wife wont have an affair while he's gone.

So he visits the local sex shop, and explains his problem to the guy.
"I have the perfect thing for you!" Replied the man, "This is a voodoo dick. Simply say voodoo, and then any object, and it will start humping the object. When you want it to stop, just say voodoo dick, STOP!"

The guy buys it, and gives it to his wife before leaving. After he's left, the wife is a bit curious.
"Voodoo dick, my vagina", and at once the voodoo dick starts giving her the best she's ever had. This gos on for a few hours, before the wife realises with sudden horror, her husband hadn't told her how to stop it!"

She quickly runs to the car, and starts bouncing along to the hospital. She hasn't gone far before she's pulled over by a police officer.

"Are you alright, he asks her, concerned?"
"No," she responded, before telling him her story.

After she's finished, the officer starts laughing.
"Hahaha, yeah I'm sure! Voodoo dick my arse!"

Here is a very very non pc one...

What is the hardest part of a vegetable to eat?

The Wheelchair

Ok. got a couple of funnies:

"Doctor Doctor. Every time i look in the mirror i get an errection" Reply "that's `cos you've got a face like a C*nt"

What's the difference between a petty thief and a peeping-tom? One watches snatches! (think about it).

How do you spot a impotent man in a nudist camp?
It's not hard!

I always like to try this one out on friends (especially helpful if they are drunk). First ask them to say "knock knock". If they do, reply "who's there?". Then just enjoy the look of puzzlement on their face as they try to work out where they went wrong.

Last (but) one:
I punched my wife's doctor the other day. Afterwards, She wasn't very happy with me and asked why i had acted so out of character. As an upstanding guy, i siad i didn't like someone trying to hit on my wife and talking about her private parts in such a way. To this she replied "No, I told you he said i had ACUTE ANGINA"

BOOM BOOM TTSHHH!!!(two elephants and a pair of cymbals falling off a cliff)

bye

Oh come on........nothing can top this one:

Why does a chicken coupe only have two doors?

BECAUSE...if it had four doors, it would be a CHICKEN SEDAN!!

HAHAHAHA LMAO >>>>>>OH THAT"S GOTTA HURT! Yay! My joke is the best!

you have to laugh when you hear that one, stupid as it is, it's really funny for some reason.

Here's the funniest joke ever!
A boy is walking down the road 1 day wen a car pulls over.'If u get in the car I'll give u $10 and a packet of sweets.' the boy refuses and keeps on walking.

A little further up the road the man pulls over again.'How about $20 and 2 packets of sweets?'
The boy tells the man to piss off and carries on walking.

Still further up the road the man again pulls to the curb.
'Right this is my final offer- $50 an all the sweets u can eat.'
The little boy stops walking, goes towards the car and leans in.'Look,'he says.'You bought the fucking Skoda,Dad, and you have to live with it.'

U can't top my 1.
What Happened When Jesus Went To Mount Olive?
Popeye Kicked The Shit Out Of Him!

beat That Beeoch!!

How is fighting on the internet like the special olympics?

It doesn't matter whether you win or lose, your still retarded..

hahaha

what is irish and stays out all night?

patty o'furniture!!

(compliments of reader's digest)

i found that one as i sat in my recliner drinking hot tea late on night at around 7 and i just thought it was so funny i called all of my friends and woke them up to tell them.

i like my women like i like my wine....

13 years old and locked in a basement

Hmmmm my first post okay,
There's this extremly modest man who's in the hospital for a series of tests, which left his digestive system all screwed up. After many false alarms to the bathroom he deicdeds to stay the night at the hospital. The middle of the night a wakes up with his bed filled with diherrea?? Poopy!! And doesn't noe what to do so he gathers his bed sheets and throw them out the window! A drunk was walking pass the hospital and the bed shets landed on him not knowing waht the unknown object was he starts cursing, shouting and violently swinging his arms. After all that the soiled sheets were on the floor, a security guard came up to him seeing the whole thing and asked what happened? The drunk still staring at the sheets replied I think I just beat the crap out of a ghost
Puhaha

A man walks into his lounge room where his wife is sitting, carrying a sheep under his arm. 'Darling,' he says, 'this is the pig I have sex with when you're not in the mood.' 'I think you'll find that's a sheep, dickhead,' his wife says. Answers the man, 'I think you'll find, I wasn't talking to you.'

That's the best one I've heard

One of my favs...A woman at a table in a crowded bar rasies her hand for a drink, The bar tender notices she must be French because she has quite hairy armpits. It seems some people are noticing her too, the bartender orders her a drink. awhile later she is raising her arm again gathering even more attention,People are turning to look at her, the bartender orders her a drink. Again she raises her hand in the air,this time getting the attention of a drunk at the bar..."WAIT!!" the drunk says...Let me buy that ballerina a beer! the bartender looks confused and askes..How the hell do you know shes a ballerina?.... Well says the drunk, Anyone who can life thier leg that high HAS to be a Ballerina!

heres another... A very well to do woman very obsessed with her looks, kept seeing the slightest wrinkle on her face everyday, she whent to a plastic surgen and asked what she could do to prevent any more flaws in her appearance, He told her he could give her a face lift but it would take 3 to 4 weeks to heal and with some pain and suffering. She was livid and asked if there was any type of quick fix that will bypass the pain and suffering and healing time. The doctor said...."Why yes" there is a new proceedure that was developed and without any side effects or pain will be finished in 3 to 5 days. She lit up and smiled "thats what I want!!" lets do it!! the next day she saw the doctor and he was explaining the proceedure, What we do is place a skrew on top of your head, once the screw is in all you need to do is turn it counter clockwise half a turn before bed and this will lift your face and eliminate any wrinkles. Later that night she was admireing herself in the mirror and turned the screw 1 half turn and whent to bed. the next morning she noticed small lines under her eyes, so she gave it a quick turn... each morning she did the same and each morning she woke up with wrinkles under her eyes. after 5 days of this she was horrified at the bags under her eyes...she whent to see the doctor and cried "DOCTOR DOCTOR!! look at me.. just look at the bags under my eyes!!!" the doctor looked right at her and said "Those arent bags under your eyes those are your tits!! and if you kept turning that screw you would of had a BEARD!!!!

knock knock who's there / o.j. / o.j. who/ o.j. didit

here's a joke. A drunk staggers into a bar and orders a double for himself, a round for everyone in the bar and a drink for the bartender. In a few minutes this is repeated 3 or 4 times until the bartender says" No More until I get some Money!" The drunk says "Money?, I ain't got no money." The bartender was pissed and dragged him into the back alley and beat the shit out of him and left him laying their in a puddle of blood. Then he went back in the bar. A few minutes later the drunk staggers into the bar, drags himself up on to the barstool and orders a Double shot for himself, a round of drinks for everyone in the bar but "Nothing for you bartender!! You get to violent when you get drinking!!!"

All good except the dead babies one, made me sick. Anyways, here's the best:

Two guys are walking along one day when one of them falls to the ground, his tongue sticks out and his eyes roll back. The other guy panicks and calls 911 and says, "Hello? I think my friend just died!" the voice on the other line says, "Well first, check to make sure he's actually dead." The operator hears two gunshots and then, "Okay, now what?"

heh heh, 'nother one, bit more crude

Two other guys are walking through a forest when a rattlesnake appears out of nowhere and bites the guys johnson. The other guy gets out his cell phone and calls the doctor. He says his friend was bitten by a rattlesnake and what can he do? The doctor says "You'll have to suck out the poison and then spit it out until I get there." The guy hangs up with a pale face. Turning to his dying friend he says, "Well I called the doctor." His friend says, "What did he say?" The guy says, "He said... you're going to die."

This is the funniest joke ever! n its funnier if u get sum1 2 read it 2 u... don't ask why but I pissed myself when sum1 else read it, but when i read it the effects not as good... newaiz...

A bear and a rabbit were walking together down a jungle track. The bear suddenly stopped and said, 'Excuse me, old man, call of nature y'know,' and left the track. He came back a few minutes later and they both continued their walk. 'Tell me,' the bear said, 'are you rabbits bothered by shit sticking to your fur?'
'Not at all,' the rabbit replied. 'It doesn't affect us - dry pellets, you know".'
'Good,' said the bear, 'that's all right then,' and picked up the rabbit and wiped his bum with him.

Two guys walk into a bar, the third one ducks.
Tops it.

a duck walks into a bar, goes to the bartender and says, -Got any quackers?
Bartender replies-no i aint got no damn CRACKERS, so the duck leaves.
duck walks back in the next day and says- Got any quackers?
Bartender replies-NO!, i still aint got no damn CRACKERS, duck leaves again.
Duck goes back the next day and says-Got any Quackers?
Bartender says- FUCK! how many times i got to tell you i aint got no fucking CRACKERS, if you come back in my bar, i'm going to nail you to a fucking two by four, GOT ME?!? duck says SORRY o.k., i read you loud and clear and walks out.
Duck comes back the very next day and and says, Got any nails? Bartender says no. Well, in that case, Got any Quackers?
slightly amusing, better ones to come

What do you say to a girl with two black eyes?
nothin, you already tried tellin the bitch twice.

now thats classic

two sperm are swimming along, and one turns to the other and says, "man how long till we get to the ovaries?" and the other sperm says, "relax we just passed the tonsils."

hahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahaha

Girls are time and money: girls = time * money;
but, time is money: time = money;
which implies: girls = money * money;
which implies: girls = money^2;
but, money is the root of all evil: money = (all evil)^1/2;
which implies: money^2 = all evil;
therefore, all girls are evil: girls = all evil.

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